Trying to find my way out of the dark place

I have been feeling a mixture of emotions the past several days. Anger, sadness, self pity, bitterness, depression. Today, I did not want to get out of bed. But I did.

It hits me in waves. I’ll feel okay for a little while, and then suddenly I feel like crying or puking or screaming. I’m grieving for our loss, and I’m pissed about all the money down the drain. And I feel hopeless about this ever working for us.

I’m scared to get pregnant again. As I think about continuing on with more fertility treatments in the future, my heart starts racing. I don’t want to go through this again. I’ve never felt this terrified/traumatized before. I hope those feelings will change.

I’m really starting to wonder if they are wrong about my poor egg quality being the sole cause of my early losses. There are some more tests that I am going to ask my doctor about. We had 2 perfect embies. It doesn’t make sense. I know sometimes it’s just bad luck, but still I wonder if there’s something more to it.

I’m curious about Natural Killer Cells, specific blood clotting disorders, Endometriosis (my mom has it & I’m wondering if it would be worth it to get a LAP), and what about vitamin deficiencies. I’ve been tested for several things already, but it’s not like you can be tested for everything. I’ll be talking to my doctor this week.

I might not be very good with commenting at the moment. I wanted to add that I’ll be mailing the prizes for my 100 Followers Giveaway this week. I haven’t forgotten. I am sending prayers and love to all of you. I appreciate you all being there for me.

Fire and Rain

First of all, thank you so much to everyone for all the love and support. I truly appreciate each and every comment.

My tests are fading, as is my hope for ever holding my baby in my arms. This has been, by far, the hardest loss yet out of all 5 losses. I really thought this would be it, my take home baby. But it’s over, yet again. And my heart is broken, yet again. I don’t know how many pieces can possibly break or how to mend them.

I don’t know what we’ll do now. I don’t like not having a plan. What happens when your best plan fails? First, I need to heal. Then I need to talk to my RE and my hubby and think things over. We don’t have any money now anyway. I also don’t think I have the strength to try again, at least not for a long time.

I can’t comprehend why there are so many wonderful ladies still waiting for their babies. At least we still have each other. I wish no one belonged to this “club”.

I can’t put into words how much I want this…how much I love my future baby, who I might not ever meet. How much my heart aches. I miss my babies. And I yearn for them. I thought this song might help explain how I feel.

Dreams are always crushed

What did I really f***ing expect? That this time would actually be different? Stupid naïve me. My beta is 6…you read that right – 6.

I was 2 days early for my beta so I *suppose* there's the tiniest chance of it increasing enough when I go back on Saturday.

The nurse told me this would most likely not be a viable pregnancy. She sounded very grim. I hate that she said that without the doctor even reviewing it yet.

This is not fair. Everyone says to stay hopeful, but I don't know if I have any strength left. I'm tired of fighting so hard for every damn thing and getting nothing but bullshit thrown at me.

I have just cried and cried. Now I feel so angry…at myself and the world. Sorry for the rant. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

Sent from my Verizon Wireless BlackBerry

My baby is a slow cooker

I’m finally getting some progression with my pee sticks now at 11dp3dt (=14dpo). It’s just been slow going. I was feeling worried, but today I feel a bit more confident. My beta is tomorrow, and all that matters is that the hcg doubles appropriately. I guess I’ll get a repeat beta either on Saturday or Monday. Then an u/s around 6 weeks.

I am 4 weeks today! Usually around this time (with all my losses), my pee sticks start getting lighter, I begin feeling really crampy, and my body prepares to let go of the pregnancy. I’m not having any of those problems now though! That is definitely reassuring. I’m beginning to feel more symptoms, but I don’t feel pregnant yet. It’s too early.

I’ve been having STRANGE vivid dreams. Last night I dreamed that I had a rather large penis, and I kept getting a boner! LOL! My BBs are starting to get a little bit tender, I’m peeing more frequently, feeling bloated and tired, and feeling really warm.

I’m scared to let myself get too excited or invested yet. But I find myself already thinking that this could finally be IT! I’m such an emotional person. I can’t stop these feelings. I hope I don’t get my heart broken again.

(Top – yesterday, Bottom – Today)

(Top – yesterday, Bottom – Today)