I have been feeling a mixture of emotions the past several days. Anger, sadness, self pity, bitterness, depression. Today, I did not want to get out of bed. But I did.
It hits me in waves. I’ll feel okay for a little while, and then suddenly I feel like crying or puking or screaming. I’m grieving for our loss, and I’m pissed about all the money down the drain. And I feel hopeless about this ever working for us.
I’m scared to get pregnant again. As I think about continuing on with more fertility treatments in the future, my heart starts racing. I don’t want to go through this again. I’ve never felt this terrified/traumatized before. I hope those feelings will change.
I’m really starting to wonder if they are wrong about my poor egg quality being the sole cause of my early losses. There are some more tests that I am going to ask my doctor about. We had 2 perfect embies. It doesn’t make sense. I know sometimes it’s just bad luck, but still I wonder if there’s something more to it.
I’m curious about Natural Killer Cells, specific blood clotting disorders, Endometriosis (my mom has it & I’m wondering if it would be worth it to get a LAP), and what about vitamin deficiencies. I’ve been tested for several things already, but it’s not like you can be tested for everything. I’ll be talking to my doctor this week.
I might not be very good with commenting at the moment. I wanted to add that I’ll be mailing the prizes for my 100 Followers Giveaway this week. I haven’t forgotten. I am sending prayers and love to all of you. I appreciate you all being there for me.