Trying to find my way out of the dark place

I have been feeling a mixture of emotions the past several days. Anger, sadness, self pity, bitterness, depression. Today, I did not want to get out of bed. But I did.

It hits me in waves. I’ll feel okay for a little while, and then suddenly I feel like crying or puking or screaming. I’m grieving for our loss, and I’m pissed about all the money down the drain. And I feel hopeless about this ever working for us.

I’m scared to get pregnant again. As I think about continuing on with more fertility treatments in the future, my heart starts racing. I don’t want to go through this again. I’ve never felt this terrified/traumatized before. I hope those feelings will change.

I’m really starting to wonder if they are wrong about my poor egg quality being the sole cause of my early losses. There are some more tests that I am going to ask my doctor about. We had 2 perfect embies. It doesn’t make sense. I know sometimes it’s just bad luck, but still I wonder if there’s something more to it.

I’m curious about Natural Killer Cells, specific blood clotting disorders, Endometriosis (my mom has it & I’m wondering if it would be worth it to get a LAP), and what about vitamin deficiencies. I’ve been tested for several things already, but it’s not like you can be tested for everything. I’ll be talking to my doctor this week.

I might not be very good with commenting at the moment. I wanted to add that I’ll be mailing the prizes for my 100 Followers Giveaway this week. I haven’t forgotten. I am sending prayers and love to all of you. I appreciate you all being there for me.


28 thoughts on “Trying to find my way out of the dark place

  1. Lisa, I know the fear that RPL causes, it is traumatic and brings on emotions that are hard to describe. I wish I could tell you something that would make it better, but I just found time,trying to stay positive (even if small) and the support of DH is what eventually helped. I do think you should look into a lap.I am suprised that it hasn't been suggested to you, endo effects your egg quality as well as the lining of uterus, it could be the one over looked dx for you. Endo has been something I have wondered about you for awhile. I think further testing is a wise idea, than make any future decsions from there. I pray for you to hea…xoxo.

  2. Here from LFCA.I am so sorry for your loss. I've also recently had an early loss, and am still reeling from it. I hope you are able to find some answers through additional testing. Gathering more information is always one of my best defenses in the craziness that IF is. Hugs to you.

  3. Hi–Here from LFCA.I am so sorry for your loss and want to offer some support. I have not read through your whole blog but saw on the sidebar your dx of high FSH/DOR. I want to encourage you to follow up on your gut instincts and get those second opinions and further tests. I was dx with high FSH/DOR at age 34…after 2 years ttc and one early loss. Time went on and still something didn't seem right to me that I couldn't get pregnant. I found another doctor who DID perform a lap for endo (Every other doctor I asked about it poo-poohed me on the subject) AND he also found that I had Hashimoto Thyroidosis which was treated with a small amount of thyroid hormone taken daily. 4 months later I was pregnant…It took me almost 6 years, but at AGE 38 no less I gave birth to my daughter. Age is on your side and if you want to email me please do: jenniferjfrench at gmail dot com. These doctors don't always know everything. Sorry for the long comment. Take care

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