7

Blahhhh

My tests are not photo-worthy this morning. I took my last cheapie (more are coming tomorrow) and an Answer. The cheapie is nearly negative, especially compared to yesterday. I can’t believe how pink and thick that line was yesterday morning. I’ve never seen an evap look like that, and I’ve had several. They never looked that bright. Just my luck though LOL! The Answer this morning looks like it just has an indent. WTF!!! I guess I’m still early (10dpo), so I’ll hang in there for now. I’m so tired of it, but at least I’ll have betas to compare to my stupid tests. Probably going to be negative or close to it though. I’m going to pick up some other tests today, like FRER. I’m curious to see what they all show in comparison to betas. I’ll keep you guys posted if anything changes this afternoon or tomorrow morning. I did take pics this morning, and will post them all when I get a chance – but really they are crap. I’m praying for better news to come, but that never happens. I’m sorry for being so negative and pissy, but I’m so frustrated. I want to be normal. Beta tomorrow.

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4

Our sex talk + cycle update

If you read my last post, thank you so much for all the advice, understanding, and perspective! I really appreciate it, and it helped a lot when Andy and I sat down to talk. He got back from Michigan yesterday afternoon. We talked a little about his trip, and what we both had done over the past few days. It felt wonderful to be together again – we are pretty much never apart! Then we got into the sex talk.

Andy was so much more understanding this time. He had time to think about it, and he realized that he came across really rude before. He was very apologetic. I told him I’d be willing to spice things up and be more spontaneous. He said he would make sure to respect my feelings – involving infertility and everything else. One thing that I had to point out to him was that sometimes I feel like BD leads to heartache and loss, so it can be emotional and difficult for me. That made sense to him. I explained that many couples with infertility have issues in the bedroom (I’m not sure he realized). He also said he enjoys the bonding time we have during sex, even if it’s not wild or crazy. He stated that he wouldn’t want it to be wild all the time, anyway. Just occasionally. That’s just a short summary, but it went extremely well. We both felt much better afterward. 🙂 Then I gave him a sexy surprise hehe. He was really excited. 😉

As far as this cycle goes, I have no clue what’s going on (as usual, it seems). LOL. I’m going by what fertility friend says my dpo is – so 8dpo today. I’m supposed to start getting betas at 10dpo per Dr. KK, which would fall on this coming Sunday. I suppose I’ll have to start on Monday then. I would go Saturday, but we’re going out of town to see my family & we’ll be leaving early in the morning. My temp dropped majorly this morning – so either my chart is going to be ugly, I didn’t ovulate, it’s an implantation dip, AF is coming super early, or who knows – it might be nothing. Meh, it’s okay. I’ve been more relaxed this cycle than usual. We’ll probably get back on the ball next cycle. Still always hoping and keeping my FX though. 🙂

16

We had a fight about s-e-x

Andy’s big 3-0 birthday was last Saturday. I wasn’t sure what kind of shenanigans we were going to get into that evening, so I gave him an early afternoon birthday BD [sexy time]. It wasn’t exciting, but he definitely seemed very pleased as always. I don’t get freaky in the daytime. I don’t get freaky…much. We still have fun though. At least I thought so. 😦

We had a fun night….but Sunday morning he woke up pouting around. He got all pissy and said our sex life hasn’t been good for awhile. 😦 He blamed it all on me! That really hurt my feelings. I try, I really do. Before we were TTC, we did NOT have sex very often. We do it A LOT now! Granted, it isn’t the greatest because it’s not usually spontaneous…and it can be somewhat mechanical at times. I’m not always in the mood, but I still do it anyway. Sometimes I change it up, do different positions, or do “other things” for him. We have toys. I’ve watched porn with him before, but it’s been awhile. Sheesh! He gets off everytime, and I do not everytime!! At least he’s gettin’ some!

I know it’s important to have good sex, and to please your partner. But come on. I work full-time, I’ve got infertility beating me down, I’ve had a bunch of losses (it hits me harder than him, he even says so), I take tons of medications that often make me crazy. I’ve been trying to focus on myself a little more lately, and make sure I’m healthier and happier. I recently started a whole new lifestyle/diet. Plus, I do a lot for him. So excuuuuse me if I can’t also be a dynamo in the sack all the time!!

I know I sound bitter about it, but I was shocked at how mean he was acting! We never fight. I can’t believe he couldn’t just come to me and say “hey, let’s try this tonight” or try to be nice about it and come up with actual ideas. I would do anything for him! I’m the one who initiates all sex anyway. I think he was mad because I got a little tipsy, and he wanted “wild drunk Lisa sex”. I didn’t feel like it. 😦

So anyway, he’s been in Michigan, helping a friend, since Monday. He returns Thursday. I thought about buying some whips and chains and kinky stuff – just to freak him out, because we don’t do stuff like that. I should go all crazy dominatrix on his ass, and see how he likes that. 😛 The fact that he couldn’t be respectful of my feelings, does NOT make me want to have sex with him. Act like a complete jerk – that turns me on so much! Said no one (in a normal relationship) ever.

Have you guys run into this? I feel sad about it, really. I know I joked about it, but I want to be the best wife I can be. I don’t want to be boring, or have our “love-making” be crappy. 😦 I love my husband very much. Stupid effing infertility.