I think I’m going to try Zumba this week. I’m nervous because I don’t think I’ll be very good at it! I’m hearing great things about it though. Even if I just flail around and huff and puff, it’ll be a good workout. Hopefully people don’t think there’s something wrong with me. LOL. I also hope that I’m not overwhelmed with a bunch of sexy skinny good dancers!
People keep asking how I’m doing, and I think F.I.N.E. adequately sums it up – Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. Aren’t we all, to some degree or another though? 😉
No really, I’m okay. And I do appreciate so many people checking on me, thinking of me, and asking how I’m doing. I’m so grateful to have support. Infertility and loss makes me feel so empty and alone sometimes. I’m not sure, but I think it’s because I don’t know many people in real life that are going through something similar…or that people don’t talk about it…or that I get sad and isolate myself. I have a lot of people who care about me, and whether they understand what I’m going through or not – it doesn’t matter. I’m the luckiest most unlucky girl, I guess you could say. Lucky in love and support, unlucky in other aspects of my life.
The bleeding and cramping has been difficult. I think it’s slowing down some today. Emotionally, I’m up and down. Doing okay for the most part. The worst times are before I go to sleep or when I have too much down time. I start thinking too much. I blame myself for the miscarriage (because of the whole tattoo/foot infection fiasco), I worry that we’ll never be parents, I think that my husband won’t love me as much as he used to because of everything, or that my friends will get tired of this crazy journey and decide I’m too much for them. I’m really hard on myself. I always find a way to make myself feel worse and fault myself for everything that goes wrong. Don’t worry, I work on these things with my therapist.
I’m going to grieve and let it all out when I need to. I’m carrying on with work and all normal daily activities. Right now, I’m just going through the motions – but it will get better. Just like every other time. It hasn’t killed me yet. I won’t let it. We already have some plans in motion. Plans make me feel better. I’m getting a Lap surgery (to check for Endo or other problems) on 11.22.11 and seeing Dr. Kwak-Kim, immune specialist, on 1.5.12. I got a new packet from our local fostering/adoption agency, and I’m ready to fill it out and get started. Somehow we are going to make it. I think 2012 will be a much better year for us.
Sometimes I wonder how I can experience so much grief over a small grouping of cells, a little embryo. But that tiny little ball of life represents a huge hole in my broken heart and soul. It means everything to me.
I have a good life with my husband. We are very lucky and grateful to have each other. Our love, our life – it fits nicely, like pieces of a puzzle. The picture on the puzzle box is beautiful and serene, but what’s in front of us is far from beautiful.
There are missing pieces, broken pieces. The puzzle is a mess. It’s hard to look at. It looks nothing like it’s supposed to. We have come close to putting it together, but then it falls apart again. We both want so badly to fill in the holes and make a beautiful picture that we can hold onto forever. It’s just that we can’t find those pieces yet. I hope they are out there somewhere.
Once again I am in the single digits. Beta is 5 today. 😦
I don’t know why I made it further than ever – 5 wks, 1 day today, just to lose my dream again.
I didn’t think the news would be good, but it’s still very painful. It’s like I keep getting the wind knocked out of me with every attempt. Or like a cruel joke the universe is playing.