…Letting go…

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always struggled with letting go of things. My thoughts, feelings, and emotions tend to get tied up and twisted somewhere in my heart and mind. Lately, much to my surprise, I’ve noticed that some of these knots are being released.

Over the past few years, I’ve experienced several early losses. I used to dwell on due dates, and I often re-lived the experience of achieving a BFP or the vivid details of my miscarriages. I have been spending less and less time focusing on these painful memories. In fact, I rarely think of them anymore.

Am I wrong? Is that careless of me? Maybe time does heal our wounds. I don’t want any of you to think that YOU are wrong for whichever way you choose to honor your angel babies, the memories you carry, or the feelings you have about your losses. Your feelings are valid. We all grieve in our own way, and no certain way is right or wrong.

I feel as though I have grieved, mourned, cried, screamed – to the point where I have released most of my pain. I have talked about my losses, blogged about them, written poetry, discussed my feelings with my therapist, and spent much time honoring my angels. I think I will choose one day of the year (rather than so many painful dates) to honor them in special way – like October 15th, which is pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day. I have faith that I will hold an earthly baby in my arms one day, somehow.

One thing that helped a lot (strangely enough) was getting my one and only tattoo in October of 2011. There are 7 butterflies on my right foot, to represent my angel babies. I did have another loss at 5 weeks, 2 days after getting the tattoo. I don’t know if I’ll change it. It’s beautiful and perfect. I can always carry my angels with me.

Instead of feeling bitterness, hopelessness, and pain when I think of my babies – I now feel warmth, comfort, and peace. I still don’t understand why this has to happen to people, but I am okay with that. I like to imagine my angels as butterflies, floating freely in a beautiful meadow. The sun is shining, it’s warm and breezy, and there are wildflowers that seem to go on forever. This might be heaven, or simply a special place in my heart or soul. If you love something, sometimes you have to let it go….


I will love you always, my sweet babies. Rest in peace…



One of my best follie checks! And 1dpo.

Oh my gosh ladies! I had my follie check on Saturday. Sorry I didn’t update sooner. I’ve been a busy little bee! I also need to catch up on my blog reading and commenting today. Thanks for all your advice on my presentation to the women’s group!

I think between the surgery, losing 20 lbs, different supplements, and this latest combo of Femara + Menopur – my body is at its best! I normally get one large follicle, plus maybe 2 little ones that won’t reach maturity. It’s been a long time since I’ve had a stellar response. This time, I had 3 mature follicles – all in similar sizes!

There were 3 follies all on my right ovary – 16mm, 17mm, and 18mm!!! AND my lining was “beautiful and triple striped” at over 11mm thick! I couldn’t believe it! I had barely felt anything in my ovaries, so I was worried prior to the appointment. The whole way down to Cincinnati, I was thinking, “Please let there be more than one, and please let them be mature and similar sizes!” I was hoping for 2, but I got 3! 🙂

So I went ahead and triggered that morning. I hope they all grew just a little bit. Normally my follicles are larger than that when I trigger, but we don’t want them to be “over-ripe”. I believe anything over 15mm is mature. Yesterday evening, I felt like my right ovary was going to explode! It hurt sooo bad, I nearly vomited. We still managed to get a lot of BD done though 🙂

This morning, I woke up to one of my BIGGEST temp spikes ever! I’m still sore, but excited! 🙂 I have a very busy & fun week ahead, so hopefully it’ll keep my mind occupied and make the TWW go faster.


Help/advice please? And cycle update.

Hey ladies! First, if you have just been re-added to my blog, and you’re wondering what the heck happened, you should probably read this post and this post. We don’t need to re-hash any of that, but I thought you might be curious.

Anyway, I could really use your advice, whether you are infertile or not. My friend is starting a faith-based women’s group. I’m pretty excited about it. I do need to get out and meet new people, plus talking about women’s issues is a great idea and sounds empowering. The first meeting is 3/3/12, the topic is Infertility & Faith, and guess who is the guest speaker?! ME!

Even though I am so open and share a lot online, I am actually pretty shy and quiet in real life. I am not a public speaker….it scares the bejezus out of me! I am nervous, but I’m really looking forward to it. I’m so excited (and also flattered to be involved)! If I can help someone who is dealing with infertility – OR – help people become more sensitive and understanding about the issue, I am more than happy to do it!!

There will be a wide range of different women there – various ages – various points of view, etc. They may not even know anything about infertility or loss. If you were attending this group, what would you want to learn about or discuss? What would help you as an infertile – maybe a newbie that doesn’t know much yet? Or as someone who has never dealt with infertility or loss, what would you want to know about it?

I plan on telling my story, although it’s a LONG story, so I don’t know how in-depth to go. I will talk about how infertility has impacted my faith and vice-verse. I want to provide resources – like links to Resolve, faces of loss – faces of hope, etc. Maybe I should include names of books that are really helpful? My friend wants me to discuss tips on how people can be helpful and supportive to their friend who is dealing with infertility, which is an awesome idea. I swear I saw a topic like that through Resolve or something recently.

Any help would be greatly appreciated!!! 🙂 You all are very intelligent and always supportive, so I figured you were the best people to ask 🙂

Cycle 39, CD 7 update: Tonight will be my last dose of Femara, and my third dose of Menopur (injectible). I have a follicle scan tomorrow morning (Saturday)! I don’t feel very much going on in my ovaries….I usually feel a lot of pinches. I am quite bloated though, so hopefully that’s a good sign. I know I’m still early, but I usually ovulate very early. I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m ready to trigger tomorrow night.

Come on eggies!


Sad news in the blogging community.

I had written another post, but I would rather just send some love and prayers out to MO @ Mommy Odyssey and Jen @ The Road Less Traveled.

Mommy Odyssey has had many miscarriages, but was finally expecting a healthy baby. It was not an easy pregnancy – she had to get a cerclage put in place. Her water broke, and she just lost her baby boy @ 22 weeks. 😦 I cannot imagine the heartache. Please go visit her blog and show some support.

Jen has had a rough time of it. She recently had a miscarriage, and now her mother has been diagnosed with cancer. Please stop over and give her some love, as well.

Hugs and love to everyone out there, no matter what you’re dealing with. ♥