For as long as I can remember, I’ve always struggled with letting go of things. My thoughts, feelings, and emotions tend to get tied up and twisted somewhere in my heart and mind. Lately, much to my surprise, I’ve noticed that some of these knots are being released.
Over the past few years, I’ve experienced several early losses. I used to dwell on due dates, and I often re-lived the experience of achieving a BFP or the vivid details of my miscarriages. I have been spending less and less time focusing on these painful memories. In fact, I rarely think of them anymore.
Am I wrong? Is that careless of me? Maybe time does heal our wounds. I don’t want any of you to think that YOU are wrong for whichever way you choose to honor your angel babies, the memories you carry, or the feelings you have about your losses. Your feelings are valid. We all grieve in our own way, and no certain way is right or wrong.
I feel as though I have grieved, mourned, cried, screamed – to the point where I have released most of my pain. I have talked about my losses, blogged about them, written poetry, discussed my feelings with my therapist, and spent much time honoring my angels. I think I will choose one day of the year (rather than so many painful dates) to honor them in special way – like October 15th, which is pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day. I have faith that I will hold an earthly baby in my arms one day, somehow.
One thing that helped a lot (strangely enough) was getting my one and only tattoo in October of 2011. There are 7 butterflies on my right foot, to represent my angel babies. I did have another loss at 5 weeks, 2 days after getting the tattoo. I don’t know if I’ll change it. It’s beautiful and perfect. I can always carry my angels with me.
Instead of feeling bitterness, hopelessness, and pain when I think of my babies – I now feel warmth, comfort, and peace. I still don’t understand why this has to happen to people, but I am okay with that. I like to imagine my angels as butterflies, floating freely in a beautiful meadow. The sun is shining, it’s warm and breezy, and there are wildflowers that seem to go on forever. This might be heaven, or simply a special place in my heart or soul. If you love something, sometimes you have to let it go….
I will love you always, my sweet babies. Rest in peace…