Don’t be alarmed, my baby boy is doing just fine. I, however, am feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment. If you’ve been following along, it’s been a rough few weeks for me – between my back/bum pain and my Grandma’s illness. Many unexpected changes are occurring. Everything has come to a resolution of sorts this week, but it’s not the kind of resolution you feel good about. It’s a lot to take in.
Part 1 – Hello crazy family and Goodbye Grandma:
My dear Grandma was reunited with Grandpa in heaven on Tuesday evening. She passed on peacefully. I am so thankful for the special time we shared last Saturday. It was a picture perfect goodbye. However, I still sit here in tears, missing her. I remember how her eyes lit up when I spoke of her grandson. I think about the fact that she and my son will never meet. It makes my heart ache. But Grandma is in a far better place, watching over us, and no longer suffering. That is a comforting thought, but there’s still a lump in my throat and cloud of grief hanging over me.
The calling hours are tomorrow from 12pm-2pm, followed by the funeral. This is strange to say, but unfortunately, I have a feeling of dread about attending. I’m worried something awful will happen. I’m definitely going though. It’s a long story, but there is so much turmoil and drama occurring within my family right now (including threats and actual physical assaults). Why people would want to focus on DRAMA and hatefulness, instead of cherishing Grandma’s memory??!! It disgusts me. If anyone ruins the funeral, it will be so so sad.
I’m doing my best to ignore it, but of course I have to hear about it constantly from all sides. I know that my Dad, my sister, my niece, my Aunt, and a few others were closer to Grandma. I know they are all hurting immensely, and emotions are running wild. I’m trying to be there for them. That’s what I do. I help people. And they know that – that’s why they turn to me to talk. But I would like one second to feel sad for my own loss, too PLEASE!!! I need a break. I’m almost 20 weeks pregnant, and I’m hormonal.
Please pray for peace for my family. I can’t imagine our family being torn apart. 😦 Let’s hope they can put their differences aside for ONE day, so we can honor Grandma tomorrow.
Part 2 – Hello modified bed-rest and Goodbye career??:
I had an MRI on Monday. It was weird and noisy, but it went fine. I wasn’t thrilled about doing it while pregnant, but we needed to know what was going on with my back/bum pain prior to my Orthopedic consult today. I found out today, they did the MRI on the WRONG part of my back. They examined the lumbar portion, when it was supposed to be lower down in the sacrum/pelvic area. I’m kind of pissed that they put my baby at risk for the wrong test. However, the whole area was so inflamed that my Orthopedic specialist could see a tiny portion of what is going on.
He could see that there are “abnormalities” around my sacrum/iliac joint and all of the surrounding areas. The bone and tissue are severely inflamed, and there is edema (swelling). It looks like there is an ulcer or something there, but he couldn’t visualize the area well enough to say for sure. If you read my previous posts, every time I moved, I was rubbing bone against bone – so there definitely is damage. After a call to the Radiologist, they agreed that there isn’t a tumor or something scary like that which would threaten my health or the baby’s. It is still a big concern though.
I thought I might get not-so-good news, but I wasn’t expecting all that!! I figured I would see the doctor, get some adjustments done on my back – or do physical therapy, and be on my way. I imagined that it was something I just had to “get over”.
Due to the current damage, risk of further injury, pain issues, stress on the body, and the fact that I have a high risk pregnancy, the Orthopedic specialist has written me off work for A MONTH. I return to see him on April 19th to assess how I’m feeling, and see if I should return to work on a part-time basis — IF AT ALL. Holy crap! What is happening! I protested at first, but he explained that the stress of this injury could be detrimental to my pregnancy, and I am not allowed to work. Period.
Ohhh…when he said that, it made me realize how serious the situation is. Let me just explain – in the past, I have always had a hard time admitting that I’m not doing well, and I need time off. I like knowing that people depend on me. I’m a hard worker, and I like to work. I feel guilty, like I’m letting people down when I can’t be there. But this is an entirely different situation. I’ve never had a doctor to say, “NO, you absolutely cannot work.” That’s what I needed to hear though. So…the plan is for me to REST. Rest, rest, and more rest for a month. It’s modified bed-rest. I’m allowed to get up and move around, but I can’t really do anything. This is to protect my son and to keep me healthy, so I am more than happy to do it. It’s just….a big change.
My new trainee is doing well. I’ve worked hard on preparing her for my duties. She was hired to assist us, as well as take over my job when I went on maternity leave. Now she’s getting thrown in about 4-5 months early. Shit. I don’t think she’s ready yet. Well, you can’t prepare for these types of things. I spoke with my boss already today. She’s disappointed. I know she’s worried about me and what will happen at work, but she told me not to worry. She said it’s not my fault, and we will get through it somehow. I didn’t feel very reassured by her tone, but I understand this is a big shock and adjustment for everyone.
Time to fill out the FMLA paperwork and figure out what to do with my Short-Term Disability hours. I was hoping to use those hours for my maternity leave, but this is going to eat up most of it. If I’m not allowed to return to work, I guess I won’t need those hours anyway in the end. I know this is for the best, but I do feel somewhat stressed and confused. It’s still sinking in. I may not be able to work – indefinitely?!! But let’s stay positive and hope for the best. Sometimes things have a way of working out just the way they are supposed to – even if it doesn’t make sense at first. It’s all about my son now. He is my TOP priority. I must stay relaxed and healthy for him, and I will most definitely do my best.