9

It’s almost that time again

I’m 9dpo today. I tested and got a BFN. I’m okay with it though. I am still early, but I’m also not expecting a BFP at all this cycle. Like I said in my previous post, I’m just happy to have a regular/ovulatory cycle. Sometimes AF hits around CD 20, but that’s where I am today with no AF. Small victories!

I guess if I’m not pregnant this cycle, I’ll go ahead and order my meds for IVF #2. My order is ready to be prepared and shipped from my mail order pharmacy. I just have to make the call and probably drop about $2,000 for the meds. (I’m not totally sure on the cost yet.) It’ll probably be a little cheaper than IVF #1 when we paid $3,300. We had to meet a $2,000 deductible at that time. That’s why I want to order my meds THIS YEAR before we start in January. I am NOT paying that deductible all over again.

There’s just about a month left until I have to shoot myself up with 4 different meds daily, get poked and prodded, and jump back on the emotional rollercoaster that is IVF. I have to say that I am grateful for this opportunity, despite all the crap involved. I wish it were easier and less expensive, but I am willing to give it another try. There’s a decent chance it will work. I just hope I make it to egg retrieval/embryo transfer this time! Well, of course I hope I make it further than that, too!

Other than TTC stuff, things are okay. We had a nice Thanksgiving. I really can’t complain. I am feeling more like myself again. Just anxious/nervous about the next couple months!

14

4dpo and reluctantly grateful

First off all, I ovulated on my own! I can definitely be grateful for that. Even if I don’t get pregnant, it’s nice to at least have a chance. I was worried my cycle would be all messed up from stopping fertility treatments and having a chemical pregnancy. It’s looking good so far! My only concern is my typical short LP. I just don’t even feel like messing with progesterone or anything this cycle. What is to be, will be. I am taking B6, so that may help my LP.

I am seeing lots of people post what they are grateful for. At first, I wasn’t going to post a list. I have been walking around feeling pissed off at the world lately. My mind doesn’t really go to the positives very much right now. However, I saw a few people who have been through a heck of a lot more than me, posting their lists. I figured that if they could focus on the positives, then I could too.

I am so very grateful for my online buddies! I have met some wonderful, caring people throughout this journey so far. They are so strong and optimistic, despite what they’re going through. They can always put a smile on my face and lift me up when I’m feeling down.

I am thankful for my husband. Andy is such a sweet, sensitive hubby. He’s always my voice of reason and my rock. I believe we are closer than ever before. I’m so grateful that IF hasn’t put a strain on our relationship…well not much of a strain. We have a solid foundation, and I know we can make it through anything.

I love my friends, family, and my kitties. They mean so much to me! I am lucky to have so many people who care about me. Even if our relationships aren’t always perfect, I know that they’ll always be there for me.

I am also grateful for my career. It’s not easy, but it is rewarding. It also provides us with a better life. Not to mention, I have some infertility coverage with my insurance. It’s not the best, but I don’t know what we would do without it.

I am lucky that I found an awesome new doctor for the new year. I have a lot of confidence in him, but more importantly – he has confidence in me & my eggs. He has definitely renewed some of my hope and optimism.

Other than that, I am grateful for all the little things. I know there are many things day to day that I often take for granted. There are so many less fortunate people out there that don’t have the simple blessings we have. It’s good to remind yourself of that, to put things in perspective.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving! 🙂

I will leave you with my new possibly fave song. It’s from those Subaru commercials.

7

Looking back…and looking forward

Hi ICLW folks! A little background on me and where we headed next.

I’ve been off birth control for 3.5 years. We were preparing for our wedding in 2007-2008, so I thought it would be a good idea to stop the Depo shot ahead of time in 2007. I knew it could take around a year for my body to get back to normal. At that time, we weren’t really ready for kids yet. We kind of had the idea that if it happened, it happened. But it never happened!

2008…We got married. ❤ I always secretly wished I would get pregnant. I took pregnancy tests every so often, and nada. I could tell Andy was disappointed when I had a negative test, too. I almost wondered if something could be wrong. Then again, we weren't really trying. I also figured my body was just taking it's sweet time becoming regular again.

In April of 2009, we were ready to try “for real”. I studied up on TTC, bought ovulation tests, calculated my fertile days, etc. We were so over the moon when it only took us a couple months of trying, to get pregnant! I even called and told everyone. The thought never entered my mind that anything could be wrong or that I could have a miscarriage or chemical pregnancy. I didn’t even know what a chemical pregnancy was.

2009 pretty much sucked. We had 2 early losses right away, and then NOTHING for months. We tried everything. Charting BBT, OPKs, Pre-Seed, supplements, vitamins, different sexual positions, etc. I just had a feeling that something wasn’t right.

I went to see my OBGYN first. She was no help at all. She ran a couple tests and did a vaginal ultrasound. She found nothing wrong and told us to keep trying. We did keep trying for a couple more months, but my gut told me that we needed more testing or SOMETHING. I called my OBGYN back, and she didn’t even bother to do anything more to help. She referred me to my RE.

So at the end of 2009, I met Dr.F. He immediately ran some bloodwork and found out exactly what was wrong. I couldn’t believe my OBGYN missed my high FSH level. We went on to do some more testing, an HSG (this is where they run dye through your fallopian tubes to check for blockages), did a semen analysis on DH, etc. Everything was normal, except my bloodwork. High FSH and low AMH…Diminished Ovarian Reserve was my diagnosis.

I can’t tell you how devastated I was. It felt like I had been robbed of my childbearing years. We thought we had plenty of time to have the three kids we talked about, but no. I felt broken, useless, and discouraged. I longed to feel naive and hopeful again. Everyone told me that it was good to have answers, but it felt horrible. There’s nothing they can do to cure or fix my diagnosis.

Dr.F said it was time to get aggressive. We did 5 IUIs and 2 medicated timed intercourse cycles. Plus one failed IVF attempt, that ended up being IUI #5. We had 2 more losses in 2010, both from IUIs. No more natural BFPs, even though we also tried several times naturally. Am I getting worse? Already? Why can’t I get pregnant?!?! (Well, and stay pregnant!?)

2010 has been worse than 2009! Dr.F made a big mistake by telling me he thought IVF would never work for us. He was the one who over-suppressed me. I knew my ovaries could do better, even though they are fairly pitiful, with an antral follicle count of 7. That’s when I met Dr.S!

Fast forward to now…Right now we are trying naturally…but we are starting up with a whole new clinic and new doctor in 2011! Dr.S believes we have a chance, with my eggs, doing IVF! We are doing the Antagonist protocol, with NO suppression of any sort. I’ll be taking Clomid, Follistim, Ganirelix, and Menopur for IVF #2.

I’m scared to death that we’ll find out my eggs are all bad. I’m trying not to think that way. I was excited for IVF #1, but I’m terrified now. To think of putting your body and emotions through such a crazy rollercoaster for NOTHING is a scary thought. I’m willing to do it though, for my future baby(ies). People tell me all the time that it’ll be worth it, but that’s only if it works.

I’m really hoping 2011 will be our year! Not just DH & I, but all of yours!!

I don’t even want to think about what we’ll do if it doesn’t work! Donor eggs and adoption are expensive. It will take us years to save up for either of those choices. We are looking into foster-parenting though. We will probably do it, even if IVF does work. There are so many children looking for loving homes.

Well, that’s my novel for today! It’s ICLW week, so I’m looking for other people in the same boat as me. While it pains me to see others going through IF, it makes me hopeful and less lonely to meet others that are struggling. Hopefully we can lean on each other!

14

Triggers and losses

Happy ICLW! Looking forward to meeting some new people in blogland!

I have a couple things on my mind. There has been a recent controversy on my favorite TTC forum. Out of respect to the person involved (as well as not to stir up anymore drama), I won’t go into much detail here. Basically there is some debate about whether the girl is pregnant or whether it was leftover hcg from the trigger shot. Whatever the outcome, I definitely empathize with the girl. I hope she has a positive outcome.

There is not an exact science to trigger shots. People say that on average, 1,000 units of hcg will leave your body per day. Although, everyone is different. Trigger shots can be really tricky. I’ve seen some women have crazy experiences with them.

I can’t speak for anyone but myself. I’ve had an hcg trigger 6 times. Out of those 6 times, I had 2 chemical pregnancies. I believe them to be chemical pregnancies because 1)My HPT lines faded out to nearly negative, then progressively got darker, and finally faded back out to negative again over a period of days, 2)I had betas done, and 3)My doctor told me it was a chemical pregnancy. Can I really be 100% sure that they were chemical pregnancies? Possibly not, but I believe they were and my doctor believes they were. Trust me, I would rather take a BFN over an early loss any day. It would really hurt me if someone said I did not actually have a loss. I don’t think you should have to prove to anyone else that you were indeed pregnant. 😦

I have mentioned before that I’ve had 4 early losses total. 2 were conceived naturally and 2 were conceived with fertility treatments. After the grieving process, my first 2 pregnancies made me feel hopeful that I could get pregnant. I think it’s a totally natural feeling for some people to say, “hey, I can get pregnant! This is promising!” However, I soon found out my diagnosis of Diminished Ovarian Reserve, High FSH, poor ovarian function, and poor egg quality. With my last 2 pregnancies, I was very guarded. I no longer felt hopeful. I felt more like I would never carry a pregnancy to term with my bad eggs. I’m not giving up though!

I was pondering my losses recently, and sometimes I feel guilty for being so upset. I have seen women lose babies after hearing the heartbeat, after seeing the baby via ultrasound. Women who have had a 2nd trimester loss, a stillbirth, lost a child to SIDS or some other medical problem after he/she was born. I cannot even fathom what that would be like. To lose a baby after you have bonded with him/her. My heart breaks for those women.

If you have a chemical pregnancy though, you need to allow yourself to experience the grieving process. Having an early loss represents a lot more than just getting a BFP and having some random cells begin to divide but not stick. To me, it represents the idea/wish/dream of my future child. The child that my husband and I already love so much. To be on top of the world, and then subsequently crushed within a few days or a week, is simply devastating. You think you’ve finally conceived, and this is it! Then your dreams are squashed, yet again. It’s like a cruel joke.

I can’t really compare early losses to later losses, but I hope we can all stand together and find strength in each other. We’re all on the same team!