Why is there a right or wrong way?

I read this post recently, and it got me thinking. I am in no way bashing this blogger, because I totally respect her honesty. She is a strong, amazing woman who has been through more than anyone should have to experience. I respect that she has a different way of blogging, and that’s totally cool. That is her personality, and I wouldn’t expect anything different. There is actually truth to what she has written, but it made me feel inspired to get some things off of my chest. Please, please don’t bash anyone – especially her – for writing it. Please don’t bash me either, lol. I will delete any such comments. Just as she shared her perspective, I felt the need to write out my own perspective on my pregnancy & my blog.

Like So — Maternity Manifesto: http://likesoblog.wordpress.com/2013/01/07/maternity-manifesto/

I’ve already been pondering this subject, prior to reading that post. To me, there is no right or wrong way to experience pregnancy after infertility/loss, and there’s no right or wrong way to blog about it. Some people will be more reserved/low-key, not writing as often – or writing about other non-pregnancy things instead. Some will express more fear and cautiousness. Some will be excited and gushing and ready to share everything. I don’t think it’s fair to judge. Our journeys and personalities are unique, but we share similar paths and goals. Isn’t having a healthy take home baby our ultimate goal? And finding happiness and resolution? That’s what we are all cheering each other on for.

I’m going to continue posting “bump pics” and comparing my baby to fruit. To me, it is not bullshit – it’s that I enjoy tracking the progress of my pregnancy. Every milestone is a big deal to me! This may be the only time I have to experience this, and I am going to do what makes me happy. Like all of you, I have waited for this for so long. I have friends and family who do want to read my updates. If someone abandons me because of some silly fruit pictures and seeing how excited and happy I am, then that’s too bad. I mainly do those weekly updates to organize my thoughts, because I’ve seemed to develop some sort of pregnancy dementia, lol. Skip those posts, if you prefer. I wouldn’t be offended.

I seriously don’t have any complaints regarding symptoms. I’ve truly had it easy. I actually love symptoms because it helps this pregnancy seem more real to me. I’m not holding back, in hopes that my infertile readers will stay. I don’t think I have anything to say that would offend them, unless they are offended by fruit and happiness. I think it’s important though to be sensitive to my TTC friends, but that’s just the way I am. I don’t do “blunt”. I’m not one to complain much, anyway. I’m honest, but I just have a different way of expressing things.

I understand the feelings that come with seeing your TTC friends get pregnant – I’ve been watching that happen for about 5 years. It’s not easy to be “left behind” and to keep waiting for your turn. Believe me, I still root for you guys and hold you all close to my heart. I haven’t moved on from you. I still associate more with YOU guys. I am still ME. The same girl that struggled every month with faint lines, evaps, low betas, chemical pregnancies, fertility drugs, and BFNs. I’m still a pregnant infertile. I don’t fit in with “normal” pregnant women OR my infertile friends anymore. It can be a strange place to be in, and I don’t quite know what to do with that yet. I don’t even know what to blog about because my feelings are all over the place. It’s something I struggle with.

Do I still worry everyday about losing my baby? Yes, mostly everyday. You wouldn’t believe some of the crazy thoughts I’ve had. I’d rather not write about that very much though. It works better for me to talk to Andy about those feelings and then try to focus on happy, exciting thoughts. I mean, I have some serious risk/complications that may arise with my diagnoses, and that’s scary shit! Maybe I should write a post about those thoughts. I’m not a blissful, ignorant pregnant person as it seems. I wish I was! I just don’t want to focus too much on the scary things. It’s how I’m dealing with things. And when my friends comment on how hopeful and excited they are – that this is my take home baby – it honestly makes me feel so much better & helps my confidence grow. I appreciate knowing that so many people believe & have faith that it’s going to be okay.

I have to admit, in the past I was guilty of skipping certain posts and not commenting as much when someone got pregnant. But I was still there reading. And I still tried to let them know I was thinking of them. Maybe I didn’t do a very good job of it sometimes. It’s difficult to relate to someone talking about baby stuff, when you’re TTC. I get that. You have to deal with it however you can, and do what’s best for your heart. I regret not being there more for those ladies now. 😦 Now that I am here, I understand that support is needed throughout all stages of TTC and pregnancy. I mean, we’re all in this together.

Please bear with me as I navigate this new territory and try to figure things out. Or not, it’s up to you. I understand, but I admit that it makes me sad. Not to make you feel guilty, I’m just being honest. This feels like a loss of identity. I was (and still am) so involved in the infertility community, and now I don’t belong there anymore. Thankfully, I still have a lot of support & I’m truly grateful….but there’s a couple people who did leave – people I thought I bonded with. It’s a strange feeling to know that people you care about will leave, and they will actually feel bitter towards you. Ouch. I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t expect that last part, I guess. This is all new to me, and I’m trying to learn how to adjust. Things change. As you can see, I’m quite different from the other blogger, but there’s nothing wrong with that – IMHO. So there’s my honest ramblings! Take ’em or leave ’em! πŸ™‚

34 thoughts on “Why is there a right or wrong way?

  1. As someone who is not infertile, and has had 3 babies – I can say in all honesty that I have regretted not documenting everything. I wish I had blogged my progression pics, and my bump pics, and all my dr. appts. Those things are now gone and I can never get them back. I have a 10 year old, and I would give anything to relieve my first childs pregnancy. I would love to read back at all the milestones and dr.’s appts, and bump pics. I have a few bump pics, but not nearly enough.
    Lisa, I hope you continue to blog every single second of your pregnancy, and I hope you know that in 10 years you can look back with happiness and joy. And, how wonderful will it be to share those things with that child. You can laugh with them about calling him or her “spot”.
    I know everyone is different and everyone has a different perspective, and this is mine. As someone who is on the other side of the fence – I say do it. Do it proud, and do it loud. This is your pregnancy, your baby, and like you said if people choose to not share in your happiness, then let them go elsewhere.
    I enjoy being apart of your pregnancy. I feel like I am pregnant all over again with you. So, for those of us who love your blog – Thank you!

  2. Post what you want I say. We can’t make everyone happy, and unfortunatly, some that are still struggling may not want to read about pregnancy etc. I know I was like that when I was still fighting the good fight.
    Anyway, this is your blog, post whatever you want and don’t worry about what anyone else thinks. *nodnod*

  3. It took us 7 years to get our 2nd daughter Caitlan. I say take it for what it is, everybody has their bad days more especially when facing infertility. Heck, I still have bad days even though I got what I always wanted.

  4. Oh Lisa my post totally wasn’t aimed at you and I really hope I didn’t hurt your feelings!
    My whole thing is that I’ve been through five almost full first trimesters and I just can’t bring myself to play the ALI game anymore. I think if anyone deserves a little slack for making fruit comparisons it’s you. πŸ™‚ enjoy and embrace this pregnancy, because you deserve it my friend!

    • Hey again! So nobody seems to have flamed me here but check out the awesome flame war started over on my blog on the original post! I decided to keep it up for the fun of it. Lisa- don’t feel bad it’s not your fault people are bitter and decide to play the pain Olympics.

  5. Unless I’m missing something blogs don’t have to follow some predetermined template, pregnant or not. Live your life, blog about whatever you want. Just because someone else writes about cute boys in their diary doesn’t mean your diary is any less valuable or important if you don’t. IMO it is basically a diary that other people can share in if they want. It’s primary purpose is as a record of your thoughts and experiences. If others don’t share the same format or views then all the better. Life would be pretty boring if they did.
    I’m a mama and ex-pregnant infertile. My blog (who no one really reads and is 2 months behind) was started after I got pregnant the last time solely to keep track of my pregnancy and daughter’s life. Doubt I fit into any categories, so be it.

  6. Lisa I love reading your blogs, and I especially love reading every single pregnancy update! I love that your are so open with us and share your everything along the way. I have prayed for you and cheered you on for so long, even silently in the beginning! I can imagine that place you are in. I often feel that way now, and I am not pregnant. I feel like i dont fit in with the infertile world because most move on eventually with a pregnancy, I have seen it happen so many times and Im happy each time for them, but Im still there seeing new faces come and go. I kinda just float around know, spewing advice and opinions and I guess its my place. I cant even imagine fitting in to a pregnancy world. I am so enmeshed in trying to get pregnant and being infertile and losses that to just be able to forget all that…… Wow I just dont see how I could! Dont worry, Dont change, and celebrate or struggle through everyday in whatever way you choose to share with us! Love you girl! I hope my rambling post made sense lol.

  7. Although I’ve been pregnant three times (that I know for sure) I was only pregnant once since starting my blog. And you’re right, it’s a strange place being a pregnant infertile. When I was able to announce I felt so guilty and I really didn’t want to post very much because of it. Sadly that last pregnancy only lasted a few weeks but if I get to experience another one, I’ll take your advice. I won’t hold back because isn’t a pregnancy with a baby at the end what we are all here for? And honestly although I do sometimes feel jealousy, I mostly feel hope when I read your experiences. And when you continue to post your true feelings, I will continue to feel the hope I need while following so I want to thank you for that.

  8. Lisa- Love this post! I am nominating you for the Liebster award. I am not sure if you have one already or not. But I know this is the first one from me!! πŸ˜‰ Love your blog, your thoughts and your support! Check out my blog for the info!

  9. I am now in that limbo stage. I got pregnant, stayed pregnant and now have my take home baby. So now where do I fit in? This is my struggle these days and should I lose some readers that is fine I’m a new reader and look forward to following your journey.

  10. Love you Lisa. It is hard being left behind but more than anyone I know that you know how that feels. I couldn’t be more happy for you and I will continue to follow this wonderful journey with you. You are an amazing inspiration who has provided nothing but support for everyone who know you.

  11. I love reading every update you post, truly. It’s all so exciting.

    I know this blog started as a TTC/infertility blog but I hope it morphs into a mommy blog and that you continue sharing your journey as a new mom with us. πŸ™‚

  12. I’m not an infertile woman, nor am I TTC, nor have I ever even been pregnant. I stumbled into the infertility/baby loss community by accident but I can’t seem to walk away–the stories are so beautifully inspiring. And having followed you for a while, Lisa, I can honestly say that I am beyond happy for you and your husband! You guys and your little Spot are in my prayers and I’m excited to keep reading.

    That said, I think this is your blog and you should say whatever you want to say and talk about whatever you want to talk about. I won’t lie, the fruit comparisons are a little weird to me, but I think that’s because I’ve never been pregnant or wanted kids so I’ve never thought about pregnancy that way. I don’t mind them one bit though.

    And there’s no reason you shouldn’t celebrate this. You’ve gone through a heck of a lot to finally get here, and that’s more important than making people who would hold your happiness against you comfortable.

  13. Like many infertile women I experience a little jealousy when someone gets, and stays, pregnant, but in your case Lisa I am just so excited and happy for you. Every time I check your blog I hold my breath hoping that it will continue to be good news for you. Your grace and kindness are humbling, and you deserve to enjoy and document every second of your journey to birth and beyond.

  14. I’m so happy that you are so honest πŸ™‚ it’s refreshing. I came across your blog, and I must say that it’s good to know that pregnancy can happen with us “infertiles”

    Congrats on Everything πŸ™‚

  15. I too struggled with how I was going to continue once we were pregnant. I chose to do the fruit comparisons but still post about so much more throughout the week. With my blog in particular, I feel like it developed into more of a spiritual/religious blog. Most of my writing is reflective on what God’s doing/has done along our journey.

    Don’t feel like you have to follow some template or feel that you’ll lose readership. I was surprised when I didn’t lose followers after becoming pregnant. The people that followed the ups and downs of our journey stuck around and want to see what happens next.

  16. Well said, Lisa. I agree that there is no right or wrong way to deal with a pregnancy after struggling with infertility. Every pregnant infertile deals with feelings of guilt when they finally get pregnant and there is no real easy or correct way to express on that on your blog.

    I, For one, love reading all your posts, whether they involve fruit or not :-). And I would regardless of whether or not I was still in the trenches. You have been through so much to get to this point and now that it is finally your time, you should enjoy every minute of it.

    Ps sorry that I’ve fallen off the face of the earth–i have been reading all of your posts off my blackberry but have had no internet access for two weeks (plus tons of drama at home) so haven’t had the opportunity to post. I think of you and your spot all the time and still continue to pray every day for your’s and spot’s continued health!

      • Lol no, no baby yet!! I miss you too! I finally have my internet back so I can write, yay!! P.S. I don’t know when you changed your blog background, but I love it!

  17. I have never read Mo’s blog before but read yours everyday. You guys just have different styles. I think readers would enjoy both. Thanks for sharing.

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