I read this post recently, and it got me thinking. I am in no way bashing this blogger, because I totally respect her honesty. She is a strong, amazing woman who has been through more than anyone should have to experience. I respect that she has a different way of blogging, and that’s totally cool. That is her personality, and I wouldn’t expect anything different. There is actually truth to what she has written, but it made me feel inspired to get some things off of my chest. Please, please don’t bash anyone – especially her – for writing it. Please don’t bash me either, lol. I will delete any such comments. Just as she shared her perspective, I felt the need to write out my own perspective on my pregnancy & my blog.
I’ve already been pondering this subject, prior to reading that post. To me, there is no right or wrong way to experience pregnancy after infertility/loss, and there’s no right or wrong way to blog about it. Some people will be more reserved/low-key, not writing as often – or writing about other non-pregnancy things instead. Some will express more fear and cautiousness. Some will be excited and gushing and ready to share everything. I don’t think it’s fair to judge. Our journeys and personalities are unique, but we share similar paths and goals. Isn’t having a healthy take home baby our ultimate goal? And finding happiness and resolution? That’s what we are all cheering each other on for.
I’m going to continue posting “bump pics” and comparing my baby to fruit. To me, it is not bullshit – it’s that I enjoy tracking the progress of my pregnancy. Every milestone is a big deal to me! This may be the only time I have to experience this, and I am going to do what makes me happy. Like all of you, I have waited for this for so long. I have friends and family who do want to read my updates. If someone abandons me because of some silly fruit pictures and seeing how excited and happy I am, then that’s too bad. I mainly do those weekly updates to organize my thoughts, because I’ve seemed to develop some sort of pregnancy dementia, lol. Skip those posts, if you prefer. I wouldn’t be offended.
I seriously don’t have any complaints regarding symptoms. I’ve truly had it easy. I actually love symptoms because it helps this pregnancy seem more real to me. I’m not holding back, in hopes that my infertile readers will stay. I don’t think I have anything to say that would offend them, unless they are offended by fruit and happiness. I think it’s important though to be sensitive to my TTC friends, but that’s just the way I am. I don’t do “blunt”. I’m not one to complain much, anyway. I’m honest, but I just have a different way of expressing things.
I understand the feelings that come with seeing your TTC friends get pregnant – I’ve been watching that happen for about 5 years. It’s not easy to be “left behind” and to keep waiting for your turn. Believe me, I still root for you guys and hold you all close to my heart. I haven’t moved on from you. I still associate more with YOU guys. I am still ME. The same girl that struggled every month with faint lines, evaps, low betas, chemical pregnancies, fertility drugs, and BFNs. I’m still a pregnant infertile. I don’t fit in with “normal” pregnant women OR my infertile friends anymore. It can be a strange place to be in, and I don’t quite know what to do with that yet. I don’t even know what to blog about because my feelings are all over the place. It’s something I struggle with.
Do I still worry everyday about losing my baby? Yes, mostly everyday. You wouldn’t believe some of the crazy thoughts I’ve had. I’d rather not write about that very much though. It works better for me to talk to Andy about those feelings and then try to focus on happy, exciting thoughts. I mean, I have some serious risk/complications that may arise with my diagnoses, and that’s scary shit! Maybe I should write a post about those thoughts. I’m not a blissful, ignorant pregnant person as it seems. I wish I was! I just don’t want to focus too much on the scary things. It’s how I’m dealing with things. And when my friends comment on how hopeful and excited they are – that this is my take home baby – it honestly makes me feel so much better & helps my confidence grow. I appreciate knowing that so many people believe & have faith that it’s going to be okay.
I have to admit, in the past I was guilty of skipping certain posts and not commenting as much when someone got pregnant. But I was still there reading. And I still tried to let them know I was thinking of them. Maybe I didn’t do a very good job of it sometimes. It’s difficult to relate to someone talking about baby stuff, when you’re TTC. I get that. You have to deal with it however you can, and do what’s best for your heart. I regret not being there more for those ladies now. 😦 Now that I am here, I understand that support is needed throughout all stages of TTC and pregnancy. I mean, we’re all in this together.
Please bear with me as I navigate this new territory and try to figure things out. Or not, it’s up to you. I understand, but I admit that it makes me sad. Not to make you feel guilty, I’m just being honest. This feels like a loss of identity. I was (and still am) so involved in the infertility community, and now I don’t belong there anymore. Thankfully, I still have a lot of support & I’m truly grateful….but there’s a couple people who did leave – people I thought I bonded with. It’s a strange feeling to know that people you care about will leave, and they will actually feel bitter towards you. Ouch. I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t expect that last part, I guess. This is all new to me, and I’m trying to learn how to adjust. Things change. As you can see, I’m quite different from the other blogger, but there’s nothing wrong with that – IMHO. So there’s my honest ramblings! Take ’em or leave ’em! 🙂