My so-called life

*My cyst is completely GONE, if you’re just popping in*

I am on cycle day 38, of this cyst/birth control/break cycle. I stopped the birth control pills on Friday, so AF should come anytime now. My doctor said 1-4 days. I will begin 5mg of Femara on cycle day 3, and start my Follistim on CD 5. I have to call when AF starts to set up my follicle scan for mid-cycle, which is usually day 9 for me.

At times during my break, I had thoughts of how nice it is to enjoy myself…and that maybe I could live child-free. Do you ever have those thoughts? I was thinking that between work, my husband, my cats, friends, and everything else – that I had enough to fill my life. Plus, sometimes just being ALONE is fabulous. That’s a good thing though, right?

The child-free mindset is only fleeting. Most of the time, my desire for a family grows even stronger. It’s always a battle for me to find balance between life and infertility. I guess the point is that I shouldn’t let my desire take away from all the wonderful things I already do have. There is a piece missing – albeit a big piece – but I need to focus more on everything else that is still there. There’s SO much else!

It felt liberating to know I had zero chance of getting pregnant – no obsessing, no worrying, being lax on my supplements (kind of), no peeing on sticks, no symptom-spotting, no extra medications. I stayed pretty busy over the last 38 days – getting together with friends and family, going out, or just staying home relaxing or doing things around the house, reading, drinking (lol), watching new series on Netflix, playing with my cats, catching up on stuff at work, having fun with hubby, having SEX – spontaneous wild SEX – not BD. A good mix of boring and crazy is how I like things in life.

I know 38 days isn’t a lot of time, but I think this is the first “real” break we’ve had since we started TTC. I know, that’s a long time to keep going without resting! I feel like a normal human being, which I haven’t really felt like since maybe 4 years ago. I almost don’t want to go back to cycling craziness. That is a strange feeling! I guess I learned that I can live without TTC and the idea of getting pregnant & having a family – at least for awhile. That I need to take good care of me and my LIFE. I do have a life, come to find out! πŸ˜‰ Wow, I kind of love my life!

I am ready now though. I am rejuvenated, excited, hopeful, healthy (mentally and physically), happy, calm, and feeling like a WARRIOR!

*Ding ding* Round 48 – Let’s get ready to rumble! πŸ˜› But seriously. Infertility will not win. I am stronger than I realized, and I’m going to beat this. And so will all of you! One way or another…Β  ❀


14 thoughts on “My so-called life

  1. So happy for you that that damn cyst is GONE!!! Maybe (hopefully) this was all in the *plan* for you….you needed this break to rebuild your spirit and your body and this will be the cycle that you get your take home baby! Fingers crossed hunny girl!! I am praying and hoping and sending every kind of dust your way! Glad to see your ever positive attitude remains! Hope springs eternal eh? Goodluck doll!

  2. Oh my gosh I totally get it. I’ve almost had 3 months now on BCP since my ectopic. I feel like me again, I feel happy and energised and there’s room in my mind for other things. I am me again. I am honestly terrified to go back. I want to have a baby more than anything in the world, but I feel like I’ve sacrificed these past 2.5 years, wasted them on the stress, heartache, obsession of trying so hard to have a baby. The thought of trying again terrifies me. I’ve seriously been considering not going back. I don’t know if I can let my heart break like that again. I am so lucky in what I have, a beautiful family, a great life, and now we have fostering too which has been so worthwhile. We are even thinking about special needs permanent care/adoption. If I could go back to trying and get pregnant, it would be all worthwhile. But what happens when it doesn’t happen. What happens when I experience another loss? I can’t. I admire your strength. I wish I could find a strength and resilience like that. You are truly amazing. I’m glad you’ve found yourself again, and I hope this time has refreshed you ready for the fight again. I’m here on the sidelines cheering you on!

    • Amen sister. I don’t blame you at all – your experience was much more traumatic than any of my losses. It must be very difficult to think about trying again. Just remember that it doesn’t always end badly. I pray you get your happy ending. I’m so glad to see you doing so well and staying busy though. Hugs!!

  3. Yeeahhh!! I know you will kick infertility’s ass!! I am so glad your ttc break was so refreshing and positive–it sounds like it was just what you needed to come back in going strong. I know that your positivity and resilience is going to lead you to your sticky bean–my fingers are crossed here for you here, amazing lady!! Lots of baby dust to you on this upcoming cycle!!

  4. Gosh, I just love your outlook on everything. It’s so positive and just such a pleasure to read πŸ˜€
    You don’t hear it enough but you are a damn fine person and I wish there were more people like you out there *nodnod*

  5. I love your take-away from the experience. During this time of being jobless with the ABILITY to have my dream job but not right circumstances, I have learned to love my dream-job-less life. I love my kids, and I am content in the small things–i.e needing a bigger home, but being content in a smaller one–I think an attitude of gratitude no matter our circumstances is the KEY to happiness.

    • Yes! It makes a huge difference. I’ve been doing the 30 days of thanks for November on facebook. It’s so nice to think of all those positives.
      Thinking of you and praying you get an awesome job! FX

  6. I have those moments too, wondering if I really could be ok with being childless and accepting it. I think I could, it would take me a while to accept it though. For now I have taken a big step back emotionally from it all. I am still TTC, but I am trying to take a “I dont give a shit” attitude. Somehow we will all be ok, and we just have to be happy with our lives as they are. For all we know one day we will have a house full of babies and longing for the “good ole days” when everything was so quiet and we only had ourselves to look after! ❀ ((hugs))

    • Thanks hun. I’ve been thinking of you. I hope your miracle comes soon. That’s exactly what I try to think – that we should kind of enjoy this time now because we’ll be too busy later πŸ™‚
      Hugs xo

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