LOL, just makes me laugh and cry that AF showed up today on my 30th birthday. I wasn’t laughing before, I was crying off and on the past few days. I’ve been in a major funk most of the week. It’s not just because I thought I had a positive at 9dpo and negatives after that. It’s a combination of overwhelming feelings. I’m taking this birthday really hard. Please don’t laugh or say it’s silly or tell me I’m young. This is a new feeling for me. To feel so bogged down by a number. I always just KNEW I would have kids (or 1 kid at least) before my 30th birthday. That was the plan. That was my dream! I mean, I went off birth control at age 25! It’s not fucking fair!! Excuse my language.
30 scares me pretty badly….for many reasons. One big one is that they told me at age 27, that I would be starting menopause in my early 30’s. Here I am! No baby yet. Time keeps going by too quickly. Nothing is working. Time is running out. I have no clue what the best thing is to do to get to where I want to be!!
I also feel like I should be a real adult now. That we should own our home by now. Have a family. Have it all “together”. Be totally financially stable with debt paid off. Know all the right things to do about everything. You know? I have so many dreams of family life and what it might be like. I know it’s not easy, but I WANT IT. I still feel like a dumb kid sometimes. I don’t have it all together at all! 30 used to seem so old. An age where things would be settled and easier, and then you just live your life from there on out. Maybe that would be boring though. We might actually have gotten more settled, if it wasn’t for infertility. We’ve sacrificed a lot.
I have to say, I’m so grateful for all the GOOD things & people I have in my life. I do feel so blessed in so many ways. I know I should be more proud of who I am. I tend to be very hard on myself. I guess a 2 time college grad at age 30 is something? A good job at one of the best hospitals in the area. A great relationship with my husband. We’ve stayed together for longer than anyone in my family. I have lots of wonderful friends (online and IRL) and family.
I have learned a few things by getting older. Nothing lasts forever – both good and bad. I’ve been through tough times before, and I always survived and things got better. I’m able to think things through better. I appreciate things more now, than what I used to. When you’re in the thick of it, it’s hard to see light at the end of the tunnel though. I don’t know how I’m going to beat infertility…but I sure as hell won’t let it beat me!!!!