We had a fight about s-e-x

Andy’s big 3-0 birthday was last Saturday. I wasn’t sure what kind of shenanigans we were going to get into that evening, so I gave him an early afternoon birthday BD [sexy time]. It wasn’t exciting, but he definitely seemed very pleased as always. I don’t get freaky in the daytime. I don’t get freaky…much. We still have fun though. At least I thought so. 😦

We had a fun night….but Sunday morning he woke up pouting around. He got all pissy and said our sex life hasn’t been good for awhile. 😦 He blamed it all on me! That really hurt my feelings. I try, I really do. Before we were TTC, we did NOT have sex very often. We do it A LOT now! Granted, it isn’t the greatest because it’s not usually spontaneous…and it can be somewhat mechanical at times. I’m not always in the mood, but I still do it anyway. Sometimes I change it up, do different positions, or do “other things” for him. We have toys. I’ve watched porn with him before, but it’s been awhile. Sheesh! He gets off everytime, and I do not everytime!! At least he’s gettin’ some!

I know it’s important to have good sex, and to please your partner. But come on. I work full-time, I’ve got infertility beating me down, I’ve had a bunch of losses (it hits me harder than him, he even says so), I take tons of medications that often make me crazy. I’ve been trying to focus on myself a little more lately, and make sure I’m healthier and happier. I recently started a whole new lifestyle/diet. Plus, I do a lot for him. So excuuuuse me if I can’t also be a dynamo in the sack all the time!!

I know I sound bitter about it, but I was shocked at how mean he was acting! We never fight. I can’t believe he couldn’t just come to me and say “hey, let’s try this tonight” or try to be nice about it and come up with actual ideas. I would do anything for him! I’m the one who initiates all sex anyway. I think he was mad because I got a little tipsy, and he wanted “wild drunk Lisa sex”. I didn’t feel like it. 😦

So anyway, he’s been in Michigan, helping a friend, since Monday. He returns Thursday. I thought about buying some whips and chains and kinky stuff – just to freak him out, because we don’t do stuff like that. I should go all crazy dominatrix on his ass, and see how he likes that. πŸ˜› The fact that he couldn’t be respectful of my feelings, does NOT make me want to have sex with him. Act like a complete jerk – that turns me on so much! Said no one (in a normal relationship) ever.

Have you guys run into this? I feel sad about it, really. I know I joked about it, but I want to be the best wife I can be. I don’t want to be boring, or have our “love-making” be crappy. 😦 I love my husband very much. Stupid effing infertility.

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16 thoughts on “We had a fight about s-e-x

  1. Oh Lisa, you are not alone!! And it probably wasn’t even really about the sex, he’s probably got a lot more on his mind and it came out as that. Guys can be so insensitive sometimes. Hang in there!!

  2. Sorry I didn’t login, I’m on my “smart” phone. I don’t think that he is upset about sex as much as being upset about being 30. My own 3-0 is Monday and I am not happy about it. I understand what you guys are going through with infertility and the stress of it but you might consider switching to iui and having sex for fun for a little bit. No more mechanical sex and he will realize just how lucky he is…

  3. I agree there is probably more to it than just “having a good time or not”. I am sorry you are going through this, while a partner not understanding your feelings is not a turn on, the fact that he has loved you and saw you through some very dark times should be–we all make mistakes and this fight between you two is just one of them. I hope when he comes home you two can make it up to each other. I pray for some really intimate sex and relationship between the two of you when he gets home.

  4. There are things you can to reconnect that are not fertility based, like trading massages with nice lotion or oil, taking a shower together, or a tub if you both can fit, or doing just other things and not having actual intercourse. Maybe some sexy underwear, silky lingerie, new sheets, scented candles in the bedroom, wearing nothing but high heels and a bow around yourself…men are visual when it comes to sex and for women its far more emotional. maybe you need to tie him up and take your frustration out on him sexually…he might like it and you may need that emotionally cathartic release of being in control…when so much in life is not in your control. and um since i am divorced i have to say be lucky to have access to use of the man’s penis whenever you want, lmao! had to make you smile. hang in there

  5. Ugh – sex and infertility do not mix. This is one of the hardest things that I dealt with when my husband and I were trying the old-fashioned way. It actually was a huge relief when we went to ART as sex became fun again, and only fun. There was no real reason for it anymore! I’m sorry you’re having these troubles. Sending you a hug…

  6. Yes yes and yes! Infertility robs you of a normal sex life for sure. Even when we aren’t actively trying it bugs me cause I’m like if I can’t get pregnant what’s the point. Terrible way to think I know.

  7. Ugh, I’ve definitely been there. M and I once almost fell alseep on each other while BDing (on a worknight when neither of us were in the mood but had to do it b/c I was Oing). We got into major fights about it.

    I love your idea about the kinky stuff, if not at least for the shock value!! I am wondering if you have read 50 Shades of Grey yet? I noticed a major improvement in our sex life the month I read that book!

  8. Oh my gosh I can SO relate to this hun!!!! At one point I was so desperate to get my dh back into it (and convince him I was too) that I bought some red silky sheets and draped myself in them naked and waited for him to come home. OMG that’s embarrassing. I wasn’t even into it. And I’m a BIG girl. …*BIG*. 😦 I tried stuff with whipped cream too. Anyway he was into it so I guess that’s all that matters but I totally get how you are feeling right now. Before all that, it got to the point that my dh said he wouldn’t do me anymore because it got so mechanical. Sad to say it, but now that we’re not really ttc anymore since so many years have passed, we rarely ever have sex. I just try to get him just once a month at the right time so that I have that teensy bit of hope each month. I don’t even think he likes me anymore. Sorry to unload on you like this. It’s really depressing. 😦

  9. Hmmm…. I have not been there (I’m tellin ya, with IVF sex can get FUN again) but my suggestion would be to try to figure out what YOU would like to do during sex, what toys YOU want to buy, maybe buy something that will make YOU feel sexy, and surprise him with that.

    Because he’s probably feeling…. unattractive or rejected in some way, so even though he said that and it made you feel shitty for sure, if I were you, I’d be the one doing the pouncing when he gets back. And just ‘surprise’ him with the kind of sex that YOU want to be having, you know? gotta figure out how to get excited about it again.

  10. I never really FULLY understood how much IF hurts your sex life. I mean I knew that we obviously were never having sex for pleasure. It was always timed and that was literally the only time we would. 4 years of that gets pretty old pretty fast. You have to remember guys are different than we are when it comes to this stuff. The association is different. THey literally NEED it. I don’t think your hubby truly meant any harm although it is very hurtful to hear as a woman. I suggest really sitting down and having a talk about what he needs from you. I know for me going through IF I associated sex with emotional hurt and it made it extremely hard to enjoy. Once he gets his needs out of the way try and explain to him again what it does for you and maybe you two can meet in the middle. My heart breaks for you right now going through this. Just know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You will have your baby one day and once you do your sex life should return to normal. Considering we have two babies at home and I’m 25 wks pregnant I would say ours is thriving. (DH may have a different story though lol)Hang in there girl and you know where to find me if you want to talk more offline about this.

  11. Pingback: Our sex talk + cycle update « The Pursuit of Pregnancy

  12. UGH Seriously! Men if they don’t have something to bitch about they are not happy lol…Sex just isn’t the same for me after being my dh 11 years I have the libido of a turnip. I think if you accept the flaws then it doesn’t bother you when someone complains. So when my dh says “this is what they all said would happen after kids marriage etc” I say yep they sure were right! Before I would get offended and try harder but now i realize it doesn’t even matter.

  13. or I just thought of this you could come up with a lame complaint about him, “Um you just don’t do special things for me anymore there is no romance” insert pouty face

  14. Pingback: My TTC break update « The Pursuit of Pregnancy

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