Letting some stuff out

I’ve been silently struggling with a few things since all the craziness last cycle. I keep going back and forth between wanting to blog and wanting to hide. I hate putting myself out there and being judged or criticized. I used to share so much and pour my heart out. I haven’t felt comfortable doing that for awhile, but I need to get some things off my chest.

I find myself caring too much about what others think. I try not to, but it hurts to think people have such strong adverse feelings toward me when I’ve done nothing but try to be kind and supportive to everyone. I’m a pretty sensitive person. Like here, let me show you all my private thoughts, embarrassing moments, and ups and downs. Plus, I’ll cheer you on for months as you get your BFP….Oh, you hate me now? Thanks. That’s just great. I know you are so perfect and can do no wrong, unlike me.

I feel like I can relate to all of you in one way or another, no matter what you are going through. There are people who are jealous that I’ve seen a positive test. I’m truly sorry if you’ve never seen a BFP. 😦 My heart goes out to you. I want it to happen for everyone…but when YOU get your BFP, I want so much for it to last forever (unlike mine). Everyone’s journeys suck in different ways. Mine is no better or worse than yours. Jealousy amongst infertiles shouldn’t exist, but I do see why it does. However, I would rather be united by our struggles, instead of divided for trivial reasons. We’re in this together, I hope.

I wish people wouldn’t get so aggravated over things I pee on [which is why I won’t post on TWW anymore]. I’m not hurting anyone, except maybe annoying myself. I’m not trying to offend anyone. I need a built-in disclaimer. I’m chasing that dream like all of you. It all starts with that all important line on a test. To me, that little line signifies the possibility of amazing things….I daydream of getting nice dark BFPs, awesome betas, an ultrasound with a baby’s heartbeat flickering away, 9 months of bonding with a life growing inside of me, and hearing that amazing first scream/cry when I give birth to my precious baby. A beautiful, miraculous piece of myself and my husband, alive and kicking. I’m not done chasing that dream yet.

Which leads me to my next issue… No one had to say I’m a baby killer because I already feel like a baby killer. 😦 I feel so guilty and angry with myself sometimes. I’m now 1dpo, and I’m regretting trying this cycle. Should I blame my body and my diagnoses? I want to cry and say it’s not my fault. However, it IS my fault. I continue to TTC, knowing there’s a good chance of getting pregnant, but also knowing the chance of miscarriage is high. That’s effed up! Maybe I don’t have the right to grieve over my chemical pregnancies because 1) People say I’m making it up (it doesn’t feel real anyway most of the time, since it’s so fleeting) and 2) I’ve done it to myself. Ugh.

It’s just that Dr. Kwak-Kim thinks we now have a chance…my new meds are supposed to “fix” me. It doesn’t seem right to stop now, after how far we’ve come. We have done SO much to fix my stupid body and make this happen. It seems like we’re so close. Maybe we should stop…at least sometime soon. I don’t know what kind of time frame to put on it. I know we can pursue “other options”, but I literally just started my immune treatments.

I put myself out there because I hope it will make people feel less alone. I want to give and receive support. I want to connect with people. I want to lift people up when they are down and for them to do the same for me. I don’t want to be torn down and ridiculed with negativity. Much love to all the positive, supportive people out there xoxo. Thank you for being brave, sharing, and doing what you do.

Phew, I needed to dump all that stuff that’s been clogging up my thoughts and emotions for the past 2 weeks. I hope I can get back into blogging again, like I used to. By the way, I’m still lurking on TWW and silently cheering people on. Feel free to message me. Oh, and on a lighter note…if you haven’t checked out THIS BLOG: Stupid Stork yet, you definitely should. It’s hilarious and awesome. You will love it!!


36 thoughts on “Letting some stuff out

  1. Lisa I just want you to know you are an amazing person. I hope you can find peace and move on from the hateful things people say. You have encouraged so many woman throughout the years. I”ve seen it first hand as you know I was on the painful infertility journey for quite some time and have followed yours for a while now. I saw your kindness with my own two eyes. Only you can decide when it is time to move on to a new possibility. And honestly it may never be time for you. I personally was one that never really wanted adoption to be for me. Although I do think it is an amazing thing and have a lot of respect for the woman who do. You have so much strength and hope for your future baby that I know it will happen. Keep your head up and please don’t stop blogging. I really am here rooting for you.

  2. This is the way I see it, in God’s eyes or biologically speaking, however you want to interpret it. If this was before the invention of pregnancy tests, you’d never know you had chemicals. Millions and millions of women over thousands and thousands of years have had the same thing happen to them and never even knew. Because it’s biology, and there wasn’t a damn thing they could do about it then. Now you’re fighting to keep that bean, though historically God just let it die (as part of some plan or whatever people say to make that sound less awful). I feel like that makes you a baby messiah.

    Now if people going to get all high and mighty, then they should remember than there are also people who think you can’t use birth control. But you also have to submit to your husband for sex. So how could you even stop trying without ticking someone off? You can’t, because will always be something your doing wrong in someone’s eyes.

    I’m struggling with opinions too, since some of my family is catholic and strictly against ivf. I told them they can suck it and I dont want my kids around such intolerant people anyway. So they can either grow up or we’ll have nothing to do with them. And it was easy and liberating.

    So chin up! And remember you’re doing exactly what God wants you to and is in his plan. 🙂

  3. Lisa, I just want you to know that you have and continue to inspire me. You’re a strong woman and need support in tough times. I’m so sorry for the crap that a few so-called “ladies” put you through. I just don’t understand how anyone can comment on your situation period! It’s like the old saying that you don’t really know/understand a person until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. No one has the “right” to judge you or your actions, it really bugs me that the righteous sit back and make statements that really they have no business making. You have every right to desire a your own baby conceived through the love you and Andy share. That’s what everyone wants, it’s completely normal and natural. I remember before starting IVF having “friends” make comments how they wouldn’t go through with it, or that they’d “just adopt” (as if adoption is so simple). These are the same people who had no issues having their own children and so cannot imagine how painful it is to face the possibility that one may not be able to have children. I was able to forgive these people’s ignorance as really they knew no better.

    However, women who struggle to conceive should be able to show sensitivity and compassion towards others in the same boat. I’m so sorry that some women have chosen to be willfully ignorant towards your situation and how you may feel. I’m sending you a big fat HUG! And just know that I’m always cheering for you and look forward to the day that you get your take home baby. Personally, I don’t know how you remain so hopeful as I wasn’t able to after 5 years of TTC, I quit testing most because I couldn’t handle BFNs anymore. You’re such a strong, hopeful woman and I look forward to cheering you on. You will have your take home baby!


  4. I’m so sorry others have been so hurtful… you have always been so kind and giving to everyone. Some people are just heartless. Sending you love and wishes xoxo

  5. Well, I’m not ttc (just like lurking) so I can’t imagine what you are going through, but I really think the harsh comments are a mix of a) hormones/ttc mood swings, b) jealousy that you are always so upbeat and c) anger at not getting a bfp and jealousy of yours.
    I wouldn’t take it too seriously; bitches be crazy. Hang in there ❤

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