I’ve been silently struggling with a few things since all the craziness last cycle. I keep going back and forth between wanting to blog and wanting to hide. I hate putting myself out there and being judged or criticized. I used to share so much and pour my heart out. I haven’t felt comfortable doing that for awhile, but I need to get some things off my chest.
I find myself caring too much about what others think. I try not to, but it hurts to think people have such strong adverse feelings toward me when I’ve done nothing but try to be kind and supportive to everyone. I’m a pretty sensitive person. Like here, let me show you all my private thoughts, embarrassing moments, and ups and downs. Plus, I’ll cheer you on for months as you get your BFP….Oh, you hate me now? Thanks. That’s just great. I know you are so perfect and can do no wrong, unlike me.
I feel like I can relate to all of you in one way or another, no matter what you are going through. There are people who are jealous that I’ve seen a positive test. I’m truly sorry if you’ve never seen a BFP. 😦 My heart goes out to you. I want it to happen for everyone…but when YOU get your BFP, I want so much for it to last forever (unlike mine). Everyone’s journeys suck in different ways. Mine is no better or worse than yours. Jealousy amongst infertiles shouldn’t exist, but I do see why it does. However, I would rather be united by our struggles, instead of divided for trivial reasons. We’re in this together, I hope.
I wish people wouldn’t get so aggravated over things I pee on [which is why I won’t post on TWW anymore]. I’m not hurting anyone, except maybe annoying myself. I’m not trying to offend anyone. I need a built-in disclaimer. I’m chasing that dream like all of you. It all starts with that all important line on a test. To me, that little line signifies the possibility of amazing things….I daydream of getting nice dark BFPs, awesome betas, an ultrasound with a baby’s heartbeat flickering away, 9 months of bonding with a life growing inside of me, and hearing that amazing first scream/cry when I give birth to my precious baby. A beautiful, miraculous piece of myself and my husband, alive and kicking. I’m not done chasing that dream yet.
Which leads me to my next issue… No one had to say I’m a baby killer because I already feel like a baby killer. 😦 I feel so guilty and angry with myself sometimes. I’m now 1dpo, and I’m regretting trying this cycle. Should I blame my body and my diagnoses? I want to cry and say it’s not my fault. However, it IS my fault. I continue to TTC, knowing there’s a good chance of getting pregnant, but also knowing the chance of miscarriage is high. That’s effed up! Maybe I don’t have the right to grieve over my chemical pregnancies because 1) People say I’m making it up (it doesn’t feel real anyway most of the time, since it’s so fleeting) and 2) I’ve done it to myself. Ugh.
It’s just that Dr. Kwak-Kim thinks we now have a chance…my new meds are supposed to “fix” me. It doesn’t seem right to stop now, after how far we’ve come. We have done SO much to fix my stupid body and make this happen. It seems like we’re so close. Maybe we should stop…at least sometime soon. I don’t know what kind of time frame to put on it. I know we can pursue “other options”, but I literally just started my immune treatments.
I put myself out there because I hope it will make people feel less alone. I want to give and receive support. I want to connect with people. I want to lift people up when they are down and for them to do the same for me. I don’t want to be torn down and ridiculed with negativity. Much love to all the positive, supportive people out there xoxo. Thank you for being brave, sharing, and doing what you do.
Phew, I needed to dump all that stuff that’s been clogging up my thoughts and emotions for the past 2 weeks. I hope I can get back into blogging again, like I used to. By the way, I’m still lurking on TWW and silently cheering people on. Feel free to message me. Oh, and on a lighter note…if you haven’t checked out THIS BLOG: Stupid Stork yet, you definitely should. It’s hilarious and awesome. You will love it!!