Deja vu

Sorry for my absence. Typically I post a lot more often. Lately, I’ve been thinking that I have written pretty much all my feelings/emotions/thoughts/opinions on infertility and loss. I have been trying to sit down to write something, but then I get deja vu. Didn’t I already complain about that one thing a bazallion times? Or I said I felt hopeful that cycle, but it ended up biting me in the ass? Didn’t I get excited over a positive pregnancy test, only to see the line fade away like eleventy million times?

Blah blah blah <— Is how I feel like I sound.

This journey has been like an evil Merry-Go-Round of despair, hope, disappointment, excitement, new treatment options, bad news….and it just keeps spinning ’round and ’round no matter how hard I try to get off. It’s exciting at times, but after a while it just makes me want to puke.

Cycle 43 Update: I’m getting deja vu again! I’m 12dpo, with possible faint positives…yet again. There was NO trigger shot this cycle. Maybe they’re all bad tests again. I guess we will see what happens in the next couple days. I’m not holding my breath, but I’m staying somewhat positive (yet neutral) about it all. None of it really bothers me. I know how to deal with it. I just want things to be different and to have a happy ending already!! I keep hoping the next time I test, that faint line will be darker!

I did call Dr. K yesterday. Basically she said it’s too early to say what might happen. That there may be more chemical pregnancies as we try this new protocol (ugh). I am to double my dose of Lovenox just in case and report back to her on Monday. She was pleased to know that things might be working.

Sometimes I wonder how anyone gets pregnant, with as complicated as it seems to be! Is it too much to ask that I get a TRUE BFP, rejoice and be happy (not be too freaked out or doubtful), normal progression, doubling betas, and a growing baby with a heartbeat that stays put for 9 months? Apparently that is a lot to ask, afterall!

So here’s my barely there “line” from this morning. It’s hardly visable. This one looks more evappy than the others, but the pic isn’t very good either.


12 thoughts on “Deja vu

  1. Good luck! Been stalking your tests on the TWW forums and just been hoping with all my heart that your tests get darker. Gosh, I want this SO bad for you!!!

  2. That is definitely a line! Stick, stick, stick! I know what you mean about wanting things to be “normal” and happen as they should. I’ll be thinking of you.

  3. You don’t sound blah blah blah!

    And agreed – the fact that there are teenagers who get knocked up under the bleachers on their first pony ride and don’t realize it for a couple of months is enough to remove one’s soul.

    I’m hopeful for you! It looks like something! Is it too early to pee on a FRER or answer?

  4. Thinking of you. I hope that everything comes together for you, and you get that “mythical” ongoing pregnancy that results in a healthy baby *soon*!

  5. I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how you’re doing…. FXd that this is the one 🙂 I agree… how does anyone ever get pregnant ?!? Love and wishes to you for a real BFP xoxo

  6. I don’t really know what to say. I’ve been there. I’ve also been lucky. It’s sometimes really hard, to be encouraging and hopeful from this side of things. You feel like a traitor. An infertile in fertile’s clothing if you will. I hope, that you know that I feel your pain with you still, cry with you still, hope with you still and pray with you still. Sometimes I feel as if I am intruding, causing more pain b/c I here I am with my 2 kids. I should fade away and leave you to your journey. Just know, that even though I am one of the lucky ones, I KNOW IT. I appreciate every single moment with them. I see them and I see you, and Kate, and Ashley and Kara. I pray every night for you guys. I send baby dust, I send hope, I send love. I guess I just wanted you to know that I am here and that I am pulling for you and that I think you are amazing. I could never have gotten through any of it without you and I hope I offer some comfort and hope to you as well. You will get there. I know it looks bleak and dark and hopeless now, but you will get there. In the mean time you have me, and Kara, and Kate, and hundreds of others in your corner cheering you on, feeling your needle jabs, your metformin cramps and your heartaches with you. Hugs, babydust and hope sweetie. Your amazing. Love your blog and love you.

  7. Thinking of you Lisa. I’m sorry for not checking in much in the last month but congrats on the new office, and here’s hoping that line keeps getting darker and sticks around.

    By the way, I know what you mean about wondering how anyone gets pregnant. It seems like so many things have to align just right, that it is a miracle each time the do.

  8. I definitely know what you mean about the Deja vue. Sometimes I feel like it is the same thing over and over with me too. I can see that second line in your pic! I so hope it gets darker and that this is it for you!!

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