Growing impatient already

Sorry if this post comes off as a bitch-fest. I’m trying to stay positive, but I’m not feeling it today. I’m on CD 27…maybe 9-12dpo…if I did ovulate. I’m sure I’m out this cycle, not that I was really expecting to get lucky…or unlucky however you want to look at it. I’ve been on my steroids and Lovenox for about 11 days. Secretly I was hoping and daydreaming that they would work their magic immediately. My imagination runs wild sometimes!! I know I need to give it some time. It’s not going to be a quick fix. It may not happen for a long time, if at all.

Today’s BFN:

My sleep is poor, but I think I’m adjusting a little bit. The steroids are making me kind of puffy. I know I’m eating too much, so I have to watch that. My belly already looks pretty bruised, but it will get worse. Like I’ve said before, I’m happy to do whatever it takes. But I don’t know if it will work…or when. It’s hard to keep putting these nasty drugs in my body every day for no reason. There’s no baby in there to try to keep alive. I keep telling myself it’s going to pay off. It’s going to work. But will it really?

Here’s one spot on my belly.

I wish I was more patient. But I’ve been off birth control for 5 years this month. Still no baby. I’ve been as patient as I can be. It happens so easily for others. Yet I have to pump myself full of drugs, sacrifice so many things, and deal with constant disappointment. For nothing! There’s no reward! No guarantees. I just want to be a mommy 😦 Why is it so difficult?! I’m so frustrated with side effects and feeling yucky for no good reason with no end in sight. I’m probably PMSing, too now.

How many months of treatments will we try with the immune drugs? I don’t know. I’m already getting pissy after 11 days of these drugs. Maybe once my new cycle starts, or after we talk to Dr. Kwak-Kim, I’ll start feeling more refreshed and hopeful again. I just want to believe that it’s right around the corner. Like 1 more month. Or 6 months even. I just want it to be almost over. I need to believe.

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14 thoughts on “Growing impatient already

  1. I am so sorry my sweet friend, this waiting game is not fair especially to those of us who have been at it for so long. You are always on my mind…

  2. Oh man, your stomach must be super sore. Ouch! These sorts of days are tough – hugs. I think with Dr K-Kim you are on the right track.

  3. Oh honey! I’m so sorry you’re feeling so down! You have every right to be frustrated- you are amazing at keeping yourself together pretty much all the time- its about time you let it all spill! I wish i could say something that could make it all better. *hugs*

  4. Girl, I’m so sorry. I hear you on all points. Sending you patience and love! I’m losing my cool over here (or should I say up here) too! XOXO

  5. Thinking of you and sending love. I have the same issue with keeping up with the lov.enox shots when I’m sure I’m not preggers. It sucks!

  6. Lots of hugs and love to you–I know how hard it must be sometimes. I have so much hope for you, especially with Dr K in the picture. Sending lots of positive thoughts and prayers your way!

  7. I’m sorry, I know those days well, my friend.

    Have you been icing your stomach prior to the shot? FittBlonde/Theresa gave me that tip, and ever since I started that, I will only have a little tiny mark. I bought a little thing called “Boo Boo Buddy” at Target (it’s near the bandaids). It’s for kids, but w/e! It’s a little gel pack, and it’s perfect for icing your stomach. I ice my stomach for a few minutes prior to doing the shot, then ice it again after for another few minutes. It doesn’t bleed or bruise this way.

    Thinking of you!

  8. We all have these kind of days, totally understand! IF sucks and you have every right to complain about it. I am sorry that you feel crappy though. And I second the ice before and after injection, it may save you some bruising. Though it’s just another step in the process that shouldn’t be so freaking hard…

    Hugs!

  9. Thinking of you… and wish this wasn’t going on so long for you. You’ve been through so much and are such a brave and compassionate mum-to-be. Your strength and positivity always inspires me… hang in there – hopefully AF will arrive soon, your new plan will come and your natural enthusiasm will return. Love to you always xoxo

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