Sorry if this post comes off as a bitch-fest. I’m trying to stay positive, but I’m not feeling it today. I’m on CD 27…maybe 9-12dpo…if I did ovulate. I’m sure I’m out this cycle, not that I was really expecting to get lucky…or unlucky however you want to look at it. I’ve been on my steroids and Lovenox for about 11 days. Secretly I was hoping and daydreaming that they would work their magic immediately. My imagination runs wild sometimes!! I know I need to give it some time. It’s not going to be a quick fix. It may not happen for a long time, if at all.
My sleep is poor, but I think I’m adjusting a little bit. The steroids are making me kind of puffy. I know I’m eating too much, so I have to watch that. My belly already looks pretty bruised, but it will get worse. Like I’ve said before, I’m happy to do whatever it takes. But I don’t know if it will work…or when. It’s hard to keep putting these nasty drugs in my body every day for no reason. There’s no baby in there to try to keep alive. I keep telling myself it’s going to pay off. It’s going to work. But will it really?
Here’s one spot on my belly.
I wish I was more patient. But I’ve been off birth control for 5 years this month. Still no baby. I’ve been as patient as I can be. It happens so easily for others. Yet I have to pump myself full of drugs, sacrifice so many things, and deal with constant disappointment. For nothing! There’s no reward! No guarantees. I just want to be a mommy 😦 Why is it so difficult?! I’m so frustrated with side effects and feeling yucky for no good reason with no end in sight. I’m probably PMSing, too now.
How many months of treatments will we try with the immune drugs? I don’t know. I’m already getting pissy after 11 days of these drugs. Maybe once my new cycle starts, or after we talk to Dr. Kwak-Kim, I’ll start feeling more refreshed and hopeful again. I just want to believe that it’s right around the corner. Like 1 more month. Or 6 months even. I just want it to be almost over. I need to believe.