Thank you for all the well wishes on our anniversary yesterday πŸ™‚ We had a nice afternoon/evening together. I made a special dinner for Andy with a double layer Red Velvet cake for dessert. Yummmm. Then we spent some quality time together. We are actually celebrating and exchanging gifts on Saturday. Andy made reservations for dinner somewhere and is going to surprise me πŸ™‚ It’s kind of hard dealing with a loss during this time that’s supposed to be happy and joyful, but in a way it makes it easier.

I’m 18dpo, and I had a huge temp drop today. Yes, I am still temping. I just wanted some warning as to when AF might start. With this temp range, she could be here at any moment. I might feel a little bit like she’s coming, but sometimes she sneaks up on me to start. I tested today, too. My lines are lighter, so hopefully today’s beta will reflect a change. I think there’s been more of a drop this time. Please think LOW low numbers for me.

It’s weird…as much as I want my levels to drop and for this all to be over…a part of me doesn’t want it to be over. Does that sound crazy? I still want to be pregnant 😦 But that’s not possible because it wasn’t a viable pregnancy. Either it wasn’t a good enough egg or my immune system killed it. The doctor said we could resume treatment if my levels drop to zero before this cycle starts. I don’t want to though. I think a break would be a good idea right now. We’ve done 3 treatment cycles in a row anyway. Plus, my appt with the immune specialist is in 10 days. I want to see what she says first.

I really really want to be pregnant………but I really really don’t want to get pregnant…because it never works out. I was doing well, dealing with all the early losses, but this cycle has traumatized me a little bit. I don’t want this to ever happen again. How do you gather the strength to keep trying? This applies to the ladies who have had many failed cycles, too – not necessarily miscarriages or chemicals. It probably will happen to me again. But I’m sure I’ll feel better & stronger again soon, somehow. Eventually my determination will win out over my fears. It always has in the past.

The previous 2 days tests:

18dpo tests (Today):


12 thoughts on “18dpo

  1. So sorry that you’re going through this… your determination and love for your future kid/s will get you there xoxo

  2. I think a break a good idea. It helps to be able to ‘get your head back in the game’ with whatever the immunologist will recommend. And gives your body a chance to rest, not just your mind.

  3. I’m so sorry you have to go through this again. It’s no fair.
    I know for myself… even though I had many many failed cycles, I always still believed that it would happen.
    Even in my darkest moments, I never gave up hope. It actually sucked a lot of the times b/c I hated getting my hopes up only to have them dashed away.

  4. Sometimes a little break to regain some mental composure is a good thing. I’m so very sorry you are going through this yet again. With 8 years of trying for our daughter, we had to take our breaks or I wouldn’t have been able to get through it emotionally, although every break I was thinking to myself “what if this would have been the one cycle,” so it’s kind of a catch 22. You want this so badly and you are so determined that I am sure somehow, someway you will have a baby in your home someday, there is no doubt about that, I just hope you can find the right path there soon and can put the hurt and sorrow behind you to some degree. I’m hoping you get some good info from Dr. Kwak Kim and you never have to endure another chemical again. Many hugs coming your way.

  5. I’m so sorry to hear that Lisa, I was really hoping that this would be the one. You took every precaution and it still didn’t work out but you’ll never have to wonder “What if…” and I think that’s important for your own sanity. I’m hoping and praying that the new doctor will have some advice and you’ll finally get your miracle baby. It’ll happen, we just can’t know when or how. *hugs*

  6. ((hugs)) Taking breaks here and there is what has helped me to keep on going for so long. The longer I go on the more frequently I need those breaks. I put everything ttc out of my mind, as best as I can, and focus on other things. Hobbies, reading exercising, really anything to keep me from focusing on IF and TTC. Then one day I find myself thinking about ttc again and I am excited and hopeful and I know then its time to come back to it. You can be a mother lisa, we all can. Its just a matter of us letting go of set ideas on how it comes to be. I am really struggling to accept that I cannot control this and make it happen how I want it to. I think letting go of those stumbling blocks will open the floodgates. You are strong Lisa, you just have to go on being strong. You come this far, and you are getting so close to where you need to be. ((hugs)) I am always praying for you Lisa! ❀

  7. Words can not express my sorrow for this. However, I am so glad you too had such a wonderful anniversary and could focus on the love and committment you have for each other.

  8. Hi Lisa, I came here from twoweekwait.com to see what happened to you. I remember you from 2 years ago – I was in Dec 2010 due date club, and remember you from that time. I just wanted to wish you all the luck. I think for some of us ttc is the trigger that really makes us to rethink our whole world view. I tried for over 2 years with 22-24 day cycles, so I had a LOT of cycles (and 3 m/c, one at 12 weeks) in that time. I know many people travel the road of doctors and treatments, but being such an authority-doubter, I quit that early on when they said they really don’t know what is wrong and went down the I-will-heal-myself road. So by the time we got pregnant, I had done all the herbs there are, and was on a very strict all-organic, no-sugar diet. I had thrown out all nonstick pans and plastic food containers, and all my shampoos, makeup, and bedding was organic. I don’t own anything made of vinyl anymore. A lot of the changes I made during ttc are permanent and I’m happier that way, but I have loosened my standards some here and there. I am now pregnant with #2, after exactly one baby dance last month, and a lot of wine, chocolate and even some cigarettes. We decided to “give the universe a chance” just that one time. So these things really are mysterious.

    For healing, I wholeheartedly recommend Julia Indichova’s book the Fertile Female. I read it after the two year mark, when I realized I had toasted my career and almost my sanity with ttc. Some of the language is a bit touchy-feely for me, but from somewhere between the lines a beautiful message emerged, and I felt at peace – a lovely feeling after so much anxiety. I probably should not say that I got pregnant the next month – probably a great accident, but the book did make me feel better at a time I really needed it.

    I wish you success in wherever this journey takes you! Take care!

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