Thank you for all the well wishes on our anniversary yesterday 🙂 We had a nice afternoon/evening together. I made a special dinner for Andy with a double layer Red Velvet cake for dessert. Yummmm. Then we spent some quality time together. We are actually celebrating and exchanging gifts on Saturday. Andy made reservations for dinner somewhere and is going to surprise me 🙂 It’s kind of hard dealing with a loss during this time that’s supposed to be happy and joyful, but in a way it makes it easier.
I’m 18dpo, and I had a huge temp drop today. Yes, I am still temping. I just wanted some warning as to when AF might start. With this temp range, she could be here at any moment. I might feel a little bit like she’s coming, but sometimes she sneaks up on me to start. I tested today, too. My lines are lighter, so hopefully today’s beta will reflect a change. I think there’s been more of a drop this time. Please think LOW low numbers for me.
It’s weird…as much as I want my levels to drop and for this all to be over…a part of me doesn’t want it to be over. Does that sound crazy? I still want to be pregnant 😦 But that’s not possible because it wasn’t a viable pregnancy. Either it wasn’t a good enough egg or my immune system killed it. The doctor said we could resume treatment if my levels drop to zero before this cycle starts. I don’t want to though. I think a break would be a good idea right now. We’ve done 3 treatment cycles in a row anyway. Plus, my appt with the immune specialist is in 10 days. I want to see what she says first.
I really really want to be pregnant………but I really really don’t want to get pregnant…because it never works out. I was doing well, dealing with all the early losses, but this cycle has traumatized me a little bit. I don’t want this to ever happen again. How do you gather the strength to keep trying? This applies to the ladies who have had many failed cycles, too – not necessarily miscarriages or chemicals. It probably will happen to me again. But I’m sure I’ll feel better & stronger again soon, somehow. Eventually my determination will win out over my fears. It always has in the past.