…Letting go…

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always struggled with letting go of things. My thoughts, feelings, and emotions tend to get tied up and twisted somewhere in my heart and mind. Lately, much to my surprise, I’ve noticed that some of these knots are being released.

Over the past few years, I’ve experienced several early losses. I used to dwell on due dates, and I often re-lived the experience of achieving a BFP or the vivid details of my miscarriages. I have been spending less and less time focusing on these painful memories. In fact, I rarely think of them anymore.

Am I wrong? Is that careless of me? Maybe time does heal our wounds. I don’t want any of you to think that YOU are wrong for whichever way you choose to honor your angel babies, the memories you carry, or the feelings you have about your losses. Your feelings are valid. We all grieve in our own way, and no certain way is right or wrong.

I feel as though I have grieved, mourned, cried, screamed – to the point where I have released most of my pain. I have talked about my losses, blogged about them, written poetry, discussed my feelings with my therapist, and spent much time honoring my angels. I think I will choose one day of the year (rather than so many painful dates) to honor them in special way – like October 15th, which is pregnancy and infant loss rememberance day. I have faith that I will hold an earthly baby in my arms one day, somehow.

One thing that helped a lot (strangely enough) was getting my one and only tattoo in October of 2011. There are 7 butterflies on my right foot, to represent my angel babies. I did have another loss at 5 weeks, 2 days after getting the tattoo. I don’t know if I’ll change it. It’s beautiful and perfect. I can always carry my angels with me.

Instead of feeling bitterness, hopelessness, and pain when I think of my babies – I now feel warmth, comfort, and peace. I still don’t understand why this has to happen to people, but I am okay with that. I like to imagine my angels as butterflies, floating freely in a beautiful meadow. The sun is shining, it’s warm and breezy, and there are wildflowers that seem to go on forever. This might be heaven, or simply a special place in my heart or soul. If you love something, sometimes you have to let it go….

 

I will love you always, my sweet babies. Rest in peace…

 

2 thoughts on “…Letting go…

  1. I’m glad you are finding ways to let go. I like your idea of choosing one date to honor all your losses, and your tattoo is beautiful. 🙂

    I can relate to how your reaction to your losses has changed over time. I find that I feel differently about my later losses than I did about the first few. As time goes on, I seem to invest less in each individual pregnancy, but the cumulative weight of all I have been through grows heavier.

    Sometimes I wonder if it is okay to change, and if feeling less attached to each loss now means I was wrong to mourn the first ones so deeply, or if, by not mourning the later losses as much I am somehow being unfair to those babies-that-might-have-been. It’s something I’m trying to come to terms with. I appreciate you sharing how you are dealing with your own changing perceptions of your losses.

    I love the image of your angles as butterflies, flying together in a meadow. So peaceful. And I can feel how much you love them, even as you let them go.

    • Thank you ❤ I knew you would understand and be able to relate. I also wonder at times if I'm wrong to feel less deeply about my losses recently, compared to the ones in the beginning. And it's true, the weight of ALL of them is a difficult burden to bare.
      I think we are both sort of coming to terms with RPL. I wish no one was affected by it. I hope so much neither of us has to endure it any longer xo

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