Nope, not this time

I don’t have my beta results back yet, but I can already tell you that it’s bad news. I’m not being negative – I’m being realistic. It’s okay, really. I’m disappointed, but I’m not overly upset. Not that early losses should be taken lightly or minimized. In the beginning, they were devastating. I’ve had so many that I know exactly what to expect. I am more guarded and less naive. It’s not like I had promising betas or pee stick progression to make me feel hopeful this time.

There WILL be a next time though. And there WILL be a time when it DOES work out. I can feel it. There are days when I think it’s impossible, but I’m going to start believing. This time we were not trying, and it wasn’t meant to be. I always hated it when people said that. But really, this was not the ideal time…so in this case, it’s true. Things are becoming more ideal though, so I think it’s only a matter of time…

I’ve been spending my days exercising, doing yoga, walking, volunteering, and enjoying my husband. I did mess up this cycle by testing early. Gosh darn it, I always try to quit that, but it’s easier said than done. You would think I would learn my lesson by now. I must like to torture myself, who knows. I am going to keep working at it though. No one is perfect. We all make mistakes.

I lost 2 great friends, or maybe more, from my long-standing buddy group. I may have been able to save it, but I handled the situation badly. I can’t go back and change it, because I’m pretty sure there is a strong dislike for me now. I’ve never had problems getting along with people in real life or online….but this went sour. They saw my flaws, and we clashed. I think it’s for the best though, as sad as it is. I feel terrible about it and have cried many tears, but I think we all need space. There group was kind of broken for a little while now. It seems like it was a combination of things for everyone.

I’m going to keep working on things. I know I’m not a bad person, but I have flaws. I have things to improve upon. I’d like to spend more time with people who appreciate me and can look past my imperfections. Or at least show me what I’m doing wrong in a nice/supportive way. Or tell me firmly, but actually give me some time to make changes and give me some leeway to fuck up sometimes. I’m only human. Okay, just had to let that out here because this is my blog and it’s therapeutic. 🙂 I am done venting. If someone wants to argue about what I just wrote – I am asking nicely to please just ignore my blog. I have a right to vent about things that happen in my life. It’s my space.

Oh guess what?! I lost 15.5 pounds in 11weeks!!!!!

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9 thoughts on “Nope, not this time

  1. YAY for weight loss! So sorry about your friends… People change though… Flaws are things you should be able to accept in people… No one is perfect right? 🙂 You’re still a sweet person no matter what anyone says… Moving on can be good sometimes 🙂

  2. I am so sorry that this pregnancy isn’t going to continue for you. Even if it’s not devastating, it still hurts. (((Hugs)))

    I’m sorry you lost two friends recently. That’s hard, too.

    But congrats on the weight loss. That is really good news!

  3. True friends will always give you constructive advice and with it, time to change, just remember that if you have friends that don’t do those two things its probably for the best to let the relationships fade away. The older I get the more I realize the value of quality over quantity! Also, vent away, I hate that our blog words have to be PC, I’m starting to get better at “reclaiming” my blog but its hard when you’re worried about what people will think and say about it. I support you 100% and love reading your honest words!

  4. Lisa,
    Just wanted to say I’m sorry this wasn’t your month, it seems like you’re in an ok place though all things considered. While it is sad when friendships come to a close (I like you hate feeling I’ve upset anyone) it’s better that than a long drawn out sour process.
    Love ya chick xx

  5. I’m sorry this wasn’t your time. I prayed extra hard when I saw your pee sticks but I guess God said no for now. I truly believe that those of us who want to be parents so badly will be one day. I’m proud of you for being so positive on a day that was super hard. I really admire you for that. Sorry some people are treating you unkind. 😦

  6. Just focus on the other things in your life. 15 pounds is an awesome weight loss! It will happen when it’s time and unfortunately this wasn’t your time. I’m not even convinced you were pregnant (didn’t really see your lines and it’s normal to have hcg <5 at any given time) and you shouldn't stress so much over another loss and just look at it as another cycle. There is more to life than stress and you are such an incredible person and you deserve happiness. Focus on having a baby but only let it be a small part of your life and let all the other things take over because a) it might help you de-stress and b) you'll have a lot of fun!

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