What a wild ride – 300th post

People are not exaggerating when they say infertility is a roller-coaster! I feel like it should be both classified as a physical illness AND mental disorder. Something along the lines of “Intermittent Bipolar Schizo-Infertility Disorder related to {insert your diagnosis here}”. IBSID, if you will. πŸ™‚

I made a special ribbon for our cause LOL πŸ™‚ I’ve had so many highs and lows along this journey. I was thinking about this in relation to my newest diagnoses found during my Laparoscopy. This present moment is probably my highest high so far. I’m currently reflecting on all of the times I went from hope to despair and back to hope again.

In 2007, when I discontinued my birth control, I had NO DOUBT in my mind that I would get pregnant. We weren’t actively trying — mostly due to my husband not being ready — but I wasn’t quite ready either. I had absolutely no reason to worry at all, when it didn’t happen those first 2 years.

In 2009, when we REALLY started trying, I felt hopeful at first but started to get discouraged because we had 2 miscarriages that year. I still felt optimistic that we would have a successful pregnancy soon. Why would there be anything wrong with me?! Although, we did decide to seek out medical intervention at the very start of 2010.

Then I got my first diagnosis – high FSH and Diminished Ovarian Reserve. 😦 I felt pretty disconcerted, but we had plans in place to do medicated IUIs. I thought, well, it’s going to be more challenging, but we will definitely have a baby.

5 IUIs later and with more miscarriages under my belt – my hope was depleting. However, we began the IVF process, and my hope was renewed! I felt in my heart that we would be totally successful with IVF. My first IVF cycle in 10/2010 was a complete disaster though. It was so poor that we had to convert to IUI. 😦 After that, I found a new RE with a better protocol and became very excited and optimistic again. However, our 2nd IVF cycle in January 2011, ended in miscarriage. Those were some of my darkest days.

The miscarriage kicking off 2011 was just a preview of what I like to refer to as the WORST.YEAR.EVER. We tried naturally for awhile and got some more RPL (Recurrent Pregnancy Loss) testing done. I was positively excited once again when I got another new diagnosis of a blood clotting issue (Elevated Antiphosphatidylserine IGM)! My doctor didn’t think it was a big deal, but agreed to try Lovenox (after much prodding from me). I thought it HAD to be a contributing factor.

In the spring of 2011, I thought things were taking a turn for the better. With the help of steroids and Lovenox, we conceived a couple times naturally for the first time in 2 years. More miscarriages though 😦 I got so fed up with everything and knew there HAD TO BE SOMETHING ELSE going on with my body, despite my other diagnoses. I turned to Dr. Sher, one of the leading fertility specialists in the nation.

In August of 2011, we got the news from Dr. Sher that I would never carry a baby. Talk about ROCK BOTTOM. I had never felt such despair in my life. My dream, my goal, my most desired path, was cruelly taken away from me. I was depressed, bitter, and just a shadow of myself. We began planning for surrogacy and adoption, which I began opening my heart to. I was in denial though, and ended up re-filling my Clomid, with the hopes of a Hail Mary LAST ditch effort. IT WORKED. I made it to 5 weeks, 2 days – the longest of all my pregnancies – but miscarried once again. I felt like the universe was against me and playing a sick joke on me.

In November 2011, I was pretty much like “whatever, why not do a Lap”. My doctor had recommended it. I had nothing else left to lose. I never expected anything to be found. I was so doubtful of being successful, that I entered the free IVF contest with Sher Institutes, and I was totally prepared to use a surrogate if I won. As you can see, my blog still has remnants of our choice to decide between surrogacy and adoption.

Fast forward to NOW! Maybe 2011 is NOT the worst year ever! There has never been a better time in my entire journey, and I have never felt better!!!!! I think I need to change some things around on this blog. I hope I don’t look back on this as another blip in my journey where I had false hope. Honestly, I’ve never had a diagnosis that was a proven fact – with scientific evidence – of being a major cause for infertility and RPL (other than DOR, but big whoop)………The best part is that it was FIXABLE! I PRAY this is the start of our new life, and I really believe it…one where pregnancy is possible, a healthy baby is born, and our family becomes complete. We have waited years for this time, and gosh darn it, it’s going to happen!!!!

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18 thoughts on “What a wild ride – 300th post

  1. I am so glad that you are feeling hopeful again. I started following you right after you’d gotten that devastating prediction from Dr. Sher that you’d never carry a pregnancy, and I was devastated right along with you! I am just so relieved and happy for you now that there may be another (fixable!) solution to all of this. I really hope this is your time for things to turn around and not just a blip of false hope. I fear that now, too, after so many times when my doctors thought they had found *the* reason for my miscarriages, and then I followed their advice, only to miscarry *again*. So my hope for you is that you nex pregnancy sticks and grows and you get to finally have the baby you’ve been longing for all this time.

  2. I really think this is the start of something wonderful for you and Andy! Much love to you guys as you start this part of your journey…I’m looking forward to watching your dreams come true! <3!

  3. I so totally believe that you are going to get that BFP and it’s going to stick very soon! With your newly remodeled uterus, it’s just a matter of catching that egg now πŸ™‚
    I know you are going to get your baby. I know it and you are going to make that child one of the luckiest people on earth b/c you are his/her Momma!

  4. I LOVE the optimism, and I FEEL that for you, too. There is a reason you had this lap done, and I think a 2012 STICKY BFP is in your future!!

  5. You are tenacious and I think that is a great trait. I think 2012 is going to be a banner year for you. I think you will get your take home baby. I think that the lap was the best thing you could have done. I look forward to continuing on this journey with you.

  6. It’s not a real condition until it has a ribbon! πŸ˜‰ And, um, I love that pee stick! Amazing!

    I’m so happy to hear that you finally feel like you’ve come to a good place in all this though lady. You’re right, it’s a freaking roller coaster, but I really hope that you’ve come to the end of it and are about to get the happy ending you deserve!

  7. Thank you for sharing this. Your journey has been so long and full of ups and downs, which i can only imagine how hard that is. I feel for you. Compared to yours, my journey has just begun. I’ll be starting my first round of Clomid in a few weeks. My journey has already had so many ups and downs! While I hope I have positive results soon, it’s nice to know there are others out there who completely understand what we are all going through. I love your optimism-keep it up! 2012 will be your year!

  8. Great post! Nice picture choices too- love the “F-you” pee stick! You’re right, 2011 is not the worst year….moving forward, sister! Onward and upward! With an attitude like this, you’re gonna get there!

  9. I loved this post! You pick the perfect pictures to go along with the words…so heartfelt. I certainly feel a renewed sense of hope for you, this is all very exciting! I wish more than anything your IF journey is coming to an end and your nearing your new chapter to motherhood. xoxoxoxoxox

  10. Hi there. Just found your blog and we have a lot in common–endo, septum, and miscarriages. How big was your septum if you don’t mind my asking? The surgery to remove mine (a fairly small one) is scheduled for 12/30.

    I am so sorry for your losses and many struggles with this process. Good luck with your next steps!

  11. Pingback: Goodbye 2011 ~ Hello 2012! « The Pursuit of Pregnancy

  12. Pingback: Flashback! « The Pursuit of Pregnancy

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