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23

I spoke too soon. It’s coming to an end.

I spoke too soon. It's coming to an end.

I’ve still been POAS since my betas. I needed to see that there was still a line there. A darker line. With all of my losses, I am very insecure.

Things looked good for awhile. I didn’t test yesterday morning, hence my post about still being pregnant yesterday. I did test yesterday evening, and got a really light line – not good. Yes, still pregnant – but not progressing.

So I tried not to panic (but I was). I tested again this morning, hoping yesterday was a fluke. It was not a fluke. It’s pretty obvious my levels are dropping. 😦 😦

I just want to cry. I need to get a beta done to make sure. I know how this goes though. I’ve been through it before. I should have listened to Dr. Sher. I can’t have a baby.

15

4 wks, 5 days – Still Pregnant :)

I can’t believe I am still pregnant at 4 wks, 5 days. Usually by this time, my tests are turning negative, my betas are going down to zero, and I’m waiting for AF. I’m so grateful.

My anxiety has been really rough the past couple days. Not just about being pregnant and fearing miscarriage, but about everything. Work, things I need to get done, etc. I guess it could be hormone related. I normally have some anxiety, but this is more intense.

I had a terrible nightmare the night before last that I started bleeding like crazy and miscarried. My dreams have been so strange and vivid. Last night I dreamed that my mom was sick, weak, and frail and in a wheelchair. That kind of freaked me out because she’s very vibrant.

I don’t have any new symptoms. It still doesn’t feel real. Mostly I feel really happy and excited, but there are times when I feel totally freaked out and worried. I just try to breathe and take it one day at a time. I hope this continues to go positively.

Oh, and my foot is improving! Thank goodness!! I was pretty stressed out about that, if you read my last post. It’s looking and feeling a lot better, but it still has some healing to do. I have to keep a close eye on it.

5

A scare

Today has been awful. The tattoo on my foot hasn’t wanted to heal. It started getting red, sore, and swollen.
I went to the doctor this morning to get it checked out. The doctor scared me and said I needed to go to the ER for IV antibiotics. I have some Cellulitis on my foot 😦
I went staight to the ER from there. The ER doctor wasn’t as concerned as the first doctor, which made me feel better.
They gave me a strong dose of antibiotics and prescriptions for 2 different antibiotics. (Baby safe)
I felt so guilty and upset. I was so afraid that my bean would be harmed. The infection seems to be localized to my foot though.
I never would have gotten the tattoo if I thought I would actually end up pregnant! I was just so tired of avoiding things and missing out on things due to TTC.
I hope my foot heals quickly!!

21

14dpo/4 wks

I’m just now 14dpo/4 wks. It’s strange finding out so early, because it already feels like I should be more like 5 wks. I will feel a lot better if I surpass 5 wks, since I never have before. Now I have another TWW (it’s more like 2 1/2 weeks) until my first ultrasound. It seems like a really far off goal that I can’t even imagine getting to. I’m trying to stay positive, but at the same time, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop. I’ve never had this much good news before.

Let’s talk symptoms. I wish I had more! I think I would feel more reassured if I had sore BBs or other symptoms. I do have a few. My most unique one, something I’ve never had before, has been a dry/sore/bloody nose. I’ve had it since about 7dpo. I think it’s a pregnancy symptom, anyway. Other than that, I’ve had mild cramps on and off since about 5dpo, fatigue, hot flashes, and frequent urination. All symptoms have been very mild though, hardly noticeable. I did get a slight wave of nausea last night before bed – it got me excited LOL.

I am so unbelievably grateful for this chance. This miracle that’s not supposed to be happening. I almost don’t feel like I deserve such a wonderful gift. I really need to change my thinking though. I feel guilty about those still waiting that deserve it so much. But if it can happen for me, it can happen for you.

I am really happy and considering myself PUPO…that’s what it feels like. (Pregnant Until Proven Otherwise). I HOPE that I’m really pregnant and things will turn out positively, but I don’t know what will happen.