I’m F.I.N.E.

People keep asking how I’m doing, and I think F.I.N.E. adequately sums it up – Fucked up, Insecure, Neurotic, and Emotional. Aren’t we all, to some degree or another though? 😉

No really, I’m okay. And I do appreciate so many people checking on me, thinking of me, and asking how I’m doing. I’m so grateful to have support. Infertility and loss makes me feel so empty and alone sometimes. I’m not sure, but I think it’s because I don’t know many people in real life that are going through something similar…or that people don’t talk about it…or that I get sad and isolate myself. I have a lot of people who care about me, and whether they understand what I’m going through or not – it doesn’t matter. I’m the luckiest most unlucky girl, I guess you could say. Lucky in love and support, unlucky in other aspects of my life.

The bleeding and cramping has been difficult. I think it’s slowing down some today. Emotionally, I’m up and down. Doing okay for the most part. The worst times are before I go to sleep or when I have too much down time. I start thinking too much. I blame myself for the miscarriage (because of the whole tattoo/foot infection fiasco), I worry that we’ll never be parents, I think that my husband won’t love me as much as he used to because of everything, or that my friends will get tired of this crazy journey and decide I’m too much for them. I’m really hard on myself. I always find a way to make myself feel worse and fault myself for everything that goes wrong. Don’t worry, I work on these things with my therapist.

I’m going to grieve and let it all out when I need to. I’m carrying on with work and all normal daily activities. Right now, I’m just going through the motions – but it will get better. Just like every other time. It hasn’t killed me yet. I won’t let it. We already have some plans in motion. Plans make me feel better. I’m getting a Lap surgery (to check for Endo or other problems) on 11.22.11 and seeing Dr. Kwak-Kim, immune specialist, on 1.5.12. I got a new packet from our local fostering/adoption agency, and I’m ready to fill it out and get started. Somehow we are going to make it. I think 2012 will be a much better year for us.

 

 

 

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14 thoughts on “I’m F.I.N.E.

  1. Oh Lisa, can I ever empathize. I worry about all of those things, too. I think it comes with the territory. And F.I.N.E. is brilliant – pretty much covers the bases. I’m sorry you’re having to experience this yet again. It’s just so unfair. I’m happy to hear you have a plan – like me, it seems as though you function better with a checklist and a vision on where things are going and when. Hang in there, you are certainly not alone. Hugs!

  2. So glad that you have a plan in place….that always helps. So sorry you are dealing with this again, but I know you are soooo strong and will get through this yet again. Everything you said is exactly my thoughts and feelings….I always pull away from people and isolate myself and feel so alone. I don’t know anyone in “real” life who struggles with infertility, and it is hard to go through this alone. Know that you always have your online support system….while it isn’t the same as having people in “real” life to talk to, it is something. And we are always here rooting for you!! I can’t wait to hear about your foster/adopt process and upcoming tests…yay for having a plan!

  3. I believe that 2012 will be better!!!
    I agree plans always make me feel better too, I am glad you have some good plans coming up.

  4. Loads of hugs for you, Lisa. I wish I had some magic words that could make things better and take away the pain, unfortunately there are none. Just know that I am standing beside you through this difficult journey. I’m so glad you have the love and support you do, I know without that, the past years would have been much worse on me. Family and friends rallying behind you (even if they don’t fully understand what you are going through) means the world.

  5. Love that, the luckiest unlucky girl. So fitting. Ive told you this before but I admire you so much! Your strength is amazing!! Continue moving forward! Im so excited that youre filling out the paperwork. The process def worked out for us!! It was the path we were suppose to take, I know that now!!!

  6. You continue to impress me with your strength and character as you pick yourself up once again after another loss. My heart goes out to you and your hubby!!!

  7. Big hugs! When I told people that “I’m fine” after each of my losses your definition is exactly what I meant. To an extent, it’s still fitting at times even in my current situation. Down time and the “what if” or blame game are definitely killers, but it sounds like you still have a great attitude and strength that will help get you through it. Hooray for having a plan in place! That always seemed to help get me through rough times. I’m praying that things go well with your upcoming appointments.

  8. yes, we are all F.I.N.E… i love your acronym. love it. down time is definitely not a good thing when grieving. i’m the same way. when i grieved, it would just get worse when we had some time on our hands and i would just start to think about all of the loss and what ifs and why me’s…. and you are right, it will get better. can’t wait to hear how your appoinemtn goes w/ Kwak-Kim. yay!

  9. sounds like you have some great plans ahead. That’s great about the foster/adopt – do you have a lot of children in need in your area?

  10. Thinking of you and so sorry for what you’re going through. Lovely that you have some plans on the horizon… and I really hope that 2012 is your year. Love to you always xoxo

  11. I am so sorry for your losses. I found it always helped me to have a plan, so I hope yours bring you a little comfort. I see that you are thinking about surrogacy? I had my son via gestational surrogacy in 2009, so if you have any questions, I’ll be glad to talk with you about it.

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