Thank yous and thoughts

Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for the outpouring of support on my last post. I can’t tell you how much your support means to me. It’s coming from blogland and my favorite forum. There are many truly wonderful ladies out there, and I love you all. I wish you all nothing but the best.

I have cried so many tears since hearing the news. There is a constant lump in my throat. Andy has been very quiet – I can tell he’s hurting. We are both still reeling about this new diagnosis and what it means for us. I don’t think I can accept it yet. It doesn’t seem real. I guess I’m in denial.

I’ve had many offers from lovely ladies who want to be my surrogate. That is such a kind gesture, but I am not ready to accept this path. I feel so cheated that I will probably never carry a baby. Being pregnant has always been very important to me. I want that experience sooooo badly. I’m crying now just thinking that I’ll never feel a life growing inside of me. I’ll never feel a kick or get to bond with my baby in that special way. It kills me.

I don’t know if I could ever handle a surrogate. Wouldn’t I feel jealous? Wouldn’t I look at her and think that she is stealing all my precious moments? Wouldn’t I feel like more of a failure because someone else has to carry my baby? There are many bad thoughts swirling around in my head about it. Maybe one day, I’ll feel more open to it. Not now though. Please, no offense to anyone who has been involved in surrogacy – I know it’s a wonderful thing. I’m just hurting and confused right now.

My thoughts keep turning to the donor sperm route. It might work. Dr. Sher says it’s a long shot, but that still means there’s a shot. I still feel sad that it won’t be Andy’s sperm. Why can’t we win in this situation?????? I asked Andy what he thought about it, and he said he’d have to think about it. He didn’t seem to want to talk about it. 😦 I told him I’m sorry, and I don’t want to make him upset.

So…this just sucks. I wish there was something else we could do. Even with the immune issues aside (because I know some people/docs don’t believe in them), we still have the problem of my eggs and Andy’s sperm not working together (which is genetic). I do plan on getting a 2nd opinion though. We aren’t really in any rush at the moment, we are doing our research, and we don’t really have the money to do anything.

Thanks again everyone ❤ xoxo

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22 thoughts on “Thank yous and thoughts

  1. Lisa- There is a group of us on and we’d love to invite you to our (private) forum as well. (Never can have too much support.) There are ladies on there doing IVIG, immunotherapy with Sher or Kwak-Kim and one lady who is not a DQ match either. And all are RPL survivors. If you’d be interested, please let me know by sending me an email at jesstutt@gmail.com when you are ready. These ladies will get it right away, and we talk regularly- would love to give you support any way possible!

    I agree though, this is no time to “make decisions”. It’s a time to grieve and adjust to the thought. I went through it last year after my last m/c, and this line hit me in particular “Being pregnant has always been very important to me. I want that experience sooooo badly. I’m crying now just thinking that I’ll never feel a life growing inside of me. I’ll never feel a kick or get to bond with my baby in that special way. It kills me.” My heart breaks for you, this is why we moved to adoption, if I couldn’t be pregnant I wanted to do something different. (Not suggesting you do adoption.) But just to say, I can relate to the pain and the quite literal- heart aching. I can’t say it won’t hurt (it still does now for me) but I can promise you won’t always be as bad as it is today. This loss though (not being able to carry a baby) was the biggest for me, more so than the lack of genetic connection.

    Also, I wanted to share this opportunity with you as it’s FREE:
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    Researchers at Brown University are conducting a research study offering free counseling for depression a stillbirth, miscarriage, or the loss of a young infant. If you are a woman between the ages of 18 – 50 years old and have experienced the loss of a pregnancy or young infant within the past 2 weeks – 6 months, please call us at 401-444-1937 or visit us at Counseling after Perinatal Loss Research Study to find out if we can help.
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  2. Good to hear from you. Of course you guys are still processing this information – it’s a lot to take in – definitely take the time to think through this stuff, and don’t make any rash decisions. Although a second opinion is always a good thing. I’ve been continuing to think of you, and hope that you and Andy come together during this time. Hugs!

  3. Lisa I was thinking about this, if I was in your situation I don’t think my husband could take the donor sperm. Imagine seeing a child that is half your wife’s and has someone else. I think his emotions are probably like what you think of surrogacy. I would ask about using a donor embryo if you can do the IVF route. Simply because then you can still try for pregnancy and neither one of you have to feel bad about the pregnancy. I know you feel like you would miss out on pregnancy using surrogacy, but on another thought…the baby would be yours and Andy’s. 50/50, carried with love by another woman. ♥ my heart is with you in all of this honey.

  4. Oh my goodness, I’m just catching up, and I’m tearing up over here. I wish I had the words of comfort that would take this devastating news and toss it out the window for you guys. I’m just so, so sorry. 😦

  5. you may feel jealous or more of a failure with another woman carrying your baby, but pregnancy doesnt last forever, it ends quickly and when your baby is bought into the world it wont matter. If you think really hard at what your trying to achieve here, its to start a family. so andy can play catch with his very own child, so that you will be able to experience the joys of motherhood. I think by turning your back on surrogacy, your robbing yourself of the chance to have the experience of motherhood. Even if you do try the other route, and you do become pregnant, there is always a possibility of something going wrong. You could become extremely sick, your baby may be born premature, and you wouldnt be able to enjoy the “feeling” of having a life grow inside of you anyway.. I know coming from someone who has had a baby I sound insensitive, but pregnancy is just a means to an end – to have a child. Surrogacy would be extrmely hard, i agree. But in terms of your options, it gives you the best chance of having that baby.

  6. Lisa I have no words for you as I have no idea what I would do in your situation. I truly hope a path opens up for you and Andy to achieve your dreams whatever road is best for you both under these circumstances. It’s so much to take in and I think you’re right that a 2nd opinion wouldn’t hurt either. My thoughts are with you guys and I truly wish for you find a way to become a mother. (hugs)

  7. I also have no words to help you find some peace. But know that it will come though it might take some time. I hope and know that you will find a way for you and Andy to become parents. The correct path to parenthood will eventually reveal itself.

    I’m thinking of you. Hugs.

  8. Wow Lisa, I am so sorry about this. I have been thinking about this alot. I myself just found out I may not be able to have kids because of my blood levels due to my kidney disease. I honestly dont know what to say or do for you but you and Andy are in my thoughts. I just hope something works out for you guys!! I will be thinking of you!

  9. The most important thing to remember is you are NOT a failure. No matter what route you take. You will be a great mom however that baby gets here.
    Please please don’t put the pressure or feelings of failure on yourself, this is nothing you can control, because Lord knows, if you could you would all ready have a child or children.
    I am thinking of you.

  10. Lisa, I know Dr.Sher suggested donor sperm you might have a chance, and Andy is not sure about that, what about if you used donor sperm and a donor egg? I wonder if that would help him feel better about giving that a shot? IDK, I just feel so bad for you both. Please don’t feel like YOU are a failure because you are not. You have just been chosen to walk a differant path towards parenthood. You inspire and give hope to many ladies, and once you overcome all these obsticles and have your baby in your arms, the clarity of the journey will come. ((((HUGS))))

  11. my heart breaks for you, lisa. a few thoughts popped into my head as i read your entry. for what it is worth:

    it seems like your situation is having to choose between a 9-month pregnancy with a baby that won’t be raised by his/her biological father or having a baby that will always be yours and andy’s but not experiencing the pregnancy. which is more important to you?

    can you use andy’s sperm and a donor egg in your uterus?

    unfortunately, there may be feelings of resentment by one of the three of you. some day, you will have to have a difficult conversation with your child. how will you justify whichever option you choose to pursue?

    good luck in making your decision. thinking of you.

  12. I feel like a couple people are being unfair here, but you have a right to your opinions. I never said I was turning my back on surrogacy. I have mixed feelings about it. I JUST FOUND OUT THIS NEWS WEDNESDAY. I need time to think, breathe, vent. I am NOT making decisions yet. I’m sorry if I sound selfish for *considering* donor sperm. Sheesh.

    • Wowsers honey. Now I think you’re being a bit unfair. I know you are upset, but if you aren’t ready to receive opinions from the internet at-large there’s a very easy solution: Don’t blog about it. Blogging makes your personal life public. You absolute deserve to “think, breathe, and vent,” but if you blog about it, expect people to give their 2 cents. Some people are going to hug you, others are going to give opinions as a manner of support (I don’t think anyone here was trying to hurt you). If you don’t want the public telling you what they think you should do, block comments or just keep your thoughts to yourself for a bit. Only share when you are ready to get feedback. –E

      • Lisa— you have EVERY right to speak out loud here, in any way you want. This is YOUR blog, and YOUR space for getting it out of your head and your heart. The purpose of any of these blogs are to share your story with people who are here to support you and not judge you for your reaction to one of the hardest journeys that you’ve had to go through in your life. You are entitled to everything you feel. That’s the thing wiht a blog. It’s a point in time reaction to your bumps in the road. Please please please feel free to write what you need to write and say what you need to say.

        And yes, some people may make comments you don’t like, but please don’t let that silence you. I whole-heartedly disagree with —E.

        You were not unfair, you were simply letting people know the intent in your thoughts.

        Hugs!

  13. Lisa, I’m so sorry to read your update and definitely understand the resentment and anger about not being able to carry a pregnancy. For what it is worth, in the mind-body class I took for infertility, one of the things that they emphasized was to really pay attention to your end goal – i.e. having a take home baby and to try to remain open about how you get to that goal. The other thing that factors in is how many times you want to try and what is the best way to allocate limited financial resources to get the take home baby. i.e. does it really make sense to spend thousands of dollars on something that will be a long shot when that may make it difficult to move forward to your next options. Thinking about things this was was very helpful to me in opening me up to more possibilities (adoption, donor routes, surrogates, etc). -catwomanbaby

  14. I wish I could tell you something to make all of this better.
    You and your DH take the time you need to decide on what your next step is. **HUGS**

  15. I’ve been following your story for awhile and I’m heartbroken for you! You need to time to process this information and you should feel like you have to make a decision right away, but can I just say that carrying a baby is a minute part of being a mom. You were meant to be a mommy and it doesn’t matter how you get those children you WILL be a mom! God has a different avenue for you and your husband. It will take time to come to terms with that but the baby that you receive (no matter how it gets here) will the baby that God has chosen to give you. You are your husband will be great parents and you will love that baby to pieces!

  16. I’m sorry I was just upset. I know everyone means well. I do appreciate advice. I’m just having a lot of ups and downs and mixed emotions. Please don’t fault me for that
    I do want to keep blogging and sorting out my feelings

  17. I haven’t read all your blog. I haven’t read the comments. Just wanted to give you virtual (hug).
    It is unfair. And at the beginning we don’t know why. Why we have to wait so long. Why our longing seems to not fulfill.

    Let me tell you… people suggest you things, they offer opportunities. But if you are not ready for the next step then you will not jump to it.

    It was me years ago. I did 7 IUI’s. I wasn’t ready for IVF. Even wanted to pass IVF and move straight to adoption.
    We ended up with 2 IVF cycles and only leftover frozen embryos worked. Until we did not see the heartbeat.
    Anyway…. But that is not the point.

    On the day of our no heartbeat appointment I got a call from my acu doc who suggested donated embryo option for us. I wasn’t ready for another heartbreak (I was afraid of miscarrying again), but my husband saw in this great opportunity.

    Today I am mommy of 3 month old baby boy. He is not genetically ours but he fits so perfectly into our family. He is so my baby, our baby.

    I don’t suggest to you anything, push you into something you are not ready to. But dear, one day you will know why your fight for your baby was so long and you had to wait so long. And you will say: Now I know why I waited so long!
    Your are going to be mommy! One way or another. And you will be so happy! You will get there! Trust me!

    Today I totally know why I had to wait so long! I waited for my little sweet baby boy!

    Good luck to you whatever you decide!

    • We ended up doing embryo adoption. Maybe not now but in the future need some info about it then I would gladly share my story and experience.

  18. I know this comment is a little late, but I feel I have to add it:

    Of course you are feeling confused about your options, and of course you have a million questions in your mind about surrogacy and how that would make you feel to see another woman carrying your baby. These are all completely legitimate feelings and concerns, and I think it will take some time not only to recover from the news you’ve had to swallow but also to sort through this new maze of options and costs.

    I don’t know if you you have this option in your area, but once you are ready to think about all this stuff, I would recommend finding a support group or mentor/counselor program to really help you and Andy think about your options in an unbiased, emotionally supported way. This is new territory, and you shouldn’t have to navigate it alone, in the dark, with medical professionals breathing down your neck and pushing you into decisions and financial situations you aren’t ready for yet.

    Lots of love you hun.
    KerriK

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