Thank you so much, from the bottom of my heart, for the outpouring of support on my last post. I can’t tell you how much your support means to me. It’s coming from blogland and my favorite forum. There are many truly wonderful ladies out there, and I love you all. I wish you all nothing but the best.
I have cried so many tears since hearing the news. There is a constant lump in my throat. Andy has been very quiet – I can tell he’s hurting. We are both still reeling about this new diagnosis and what it means for us. I don’t think I can accept it yet. It doesn’t seem real. I guess I’m in denial.
I’ve had many offers from lovely ladies who want to be my surrogate. That is such a kind gesture, but I am not ready to accept this path. I feel so cheated that I will probably never carry a baby. Being pregnant has always been very important to me. I want that experience sooooo badly. I’m crying now just thinking that I’ll never feel a life growing inside of me. I’ll never feel a kick or get to bond with my baby in that special way. It kills me.
I don’t know if I could ever handle a surrogate. Wouldn’t I feel jealous? Wouldn’t I look at her and think that she is stealing all my precious moments? Wouldn’t I feel like more of a failure because someone else has to carry my baby? There are many bad thoughts swirling around in my head about it. Maybe one day, I’ll feel more open to it. Not now though. Please, no offense to anyone who has been involved in surrogacy – I know it’s a wonderful thing. I’m just hurting and confused right now.
My thoughts keep turning to the donor sperm route. It might work. Dr. Sher says it’s a long shot, but that still means there’s a shot. I still feel sad that it won’t be Andy’s sperm. Why can’t we win in this situation?????? I asked Andy what he thought about it, and he said he’d have to think about it. He didn’t seem to want to talk about it. 😦 I told him I’m sorry, and I don’t want to make him upset.
So…this just sucks. I wish there was something else we could do. Even with the immune issues aside (because I know some people/docs don’t believe in them), we still have the problem of my eggs and Andy’s sperm not working together (which is genetic). I do plan on getting a 2nd opinion though. We aren’t really in any rush at the moment, we are doing our research, and we don’t really have the money to do anything.
Thanks again everyone ❤ xoxo