I guess I like to torture myself

I just spent some time browsing the IVF forum to check on the pregnant ladies that I cycled with. Everyone from my January cycle is getting ready to have their babies soon. I would have been having my baby on my birthday – October 5th, but sadly that pregnancy ended quickly.

On the TTC forum that I go to, there’s also a pregnancy side that has due date buddy groups. I see their belly pics, u/s photos, nursery pics, etc. I have joined the pregnancy side a couple times, but only lasted for a couple days – since my pregnancies hardly last more than a couple days to a week at most. I don’t bother going over there anymore when I get pregnant.

I tend to “lurk” there…I don’t know why I do that. It makes me sad. I’m so happy for the ladies and love success stories, but I have to be in the right mood to appreciate the joy and happiness of it all. I often go over there when I’m feeling sad or wistful. Maybe I want a glimpse of what I will never experience. I guess I like to torture myself!

Hopefully my follow up with Dr. Sher is still on for tonight at 6:30pm. I haven’t heard otherwise. I don’t feel upset anymore about having to wait. I know how busy they are. I’m thankful to finally get my results and hopefully some good suggestions. I’d like to ask what he thinks about the Lap that my regular RE recommended.


9 thoughts on “I guess I like to torture myself

  1. Perhaps you do this for the same reason I browse maternity clothes and nursery bedding on line- self punishment? wishful thinking? Its hard to resist sometimes.
    I am so very sorry for the losses you have experiences, so much loss and mourning, I cannot even imagine.
    I am really hoping you finally get to talk to dr Sher tonight and that he has the magic words/ treatment for you.
    sending lots of love to you always

  2. I think we all torture ourselves in different ways. I love to look at nursery stuff or baby clothes. I have been staying away from the forums since we are no longer “trying”. It somehow makes it easier for me.

  3. I think by looking back at forums like that and online “window shopping” for baby stuff is our way of keeping the faith. We still have hope, if we didn’t, we wouldn’t go back and look. Doesn’t make it easier, but so many of us still do it! I find myself still saving things online in my baby dreams folder. Big hugs!

  4. I lurk at on the pregnancy side too, in the due date clubs I was once a part of. I don’t know why I do it, just a way to hold on to what I once had, maybe? I hope your follow up happens and you get some good info!

  5. I agree with Laura. Because even if we are “done” trying. We still all have the heart of a mother. We still have dreams to hold a child. Dreams to experience pregnancy. I don’t think it ever goes away. I hope you and your husband are able to finally one day conceive and hold onto your little ray of hope.
    ♥ Thank you for following my journey and letting me know I am not alone. And in the same token, you are not alone. Just yesterday I was looking at pregnant belly pictures and wishing to experience it myself.

  6. Good luck with the consult! Please update us!
    I totally get that masochistic side. I think it’s the same thing that makes me continue to watch 16 and pregnant. Urgh.

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