I feel like everyone is pregnant, having babies, or enjoying their time with their babies. And many people I know are having baby #2 or starting to work on #3.
I always felt isolated from people in real life. My friends and family. It’s mostly my fault for avoiding baby showers and pregnancy announcements. I never wanted to intentionally avoid people or neglect relationships. My heart and body felt so broken that I pulled away.
I used to feel so lucky that I had my online support system to escape all the real life preggos. I frequented my favorite forum and felt so at home with all the other infertiles. Now they are all getting pregnant, doing IVF, or moving onto other things like adoption. It’s not really a safe haven for me anymore. There’s a lot of new people on the forum, getting their BFPs within a couple cycles. (Not that I want them to struggle and try forever).
Now what do I do? I love my connections I’ve made, and it couldn’t make me happier or more hopeful to see fellow infertiles becoming success stories. But I’m still here. I’m happy they are moving on, but I’m growing more lonely. I wonder if I’ll ever get there.
People don’t seem to care as much about TTC or my journey anymore. They used to all get excited and say this cycle will be IT! They used to have high hopes for me, but it almost feels like they are losing hope or growing bored. Even when I get a BFP, they don’t sound as confident or excited that it will be my take home baby. I guess that’s what happens after so many losses.
Maybe they are just being more cautious and don’t want to get MY hopes up. It’s hard to know all the right things to say and do. I can’t fault people for that. But I really need others to believe it’s going to happen for us though – because I’m losing hope that it will.
I sometimes think I’m silly for even STILL trying. We have done it all. If nothing works, you have to decide what to do eventually. I can’t live like this forever. I’m starting to lean towards quitting TTC and saving for donor egg IVF. I’ll be getting my test results from Dr. Sher soon. If he finds nothing else wrong, then I don’t see much hope in using my eggs anymore.
I hope I don’t sound like a bitter, jealous person. I am envious of the success stories, but I am also very happy for everyone. I would never wish infertility on my worst enemy. I just don’t want to deal with this anymore.