Don’t wanna be all by myself

I feel like everyone is pregnant, having babies, or enjoying their time with their babies. And many people I know are having baby #2 or starting to work on #3.

I always felt isolated from people in real life. My friends and family. It’s mostly my fault for avoiding baby showers and pregnancy announcements. I never wanted to intentionally avoid people or neglect relationships. My heart and body felt so broken that I pulled away.

I used to feel so lucky that I had my online support system to escape all the real life preggos. I frequented my favorite forum and felt so at home with all the other infertiles. Now they are all getting pregnant, doing IVF, or moving onto other things like adoption. It’s not really a safe haven for me anymore. There’s a lot of new people on the forum, getting their BFPs within a couple cycles. (Not that I want them to struggle and try forever).

Now what do I do? I love my connections I’ve made, and it couldn’t make me happier or more hopeful to see fellow infertiles becoming success stories. But I’m still here. I’m happy they are moving on, but I’m growing more lonely. I wonder if I’ll ever get there.

People don’t seem to care as much about TTC or my journey anymore. They used to all get excited and say this cycle will be IT! They used to have high hopes for me, but it almost feels like they are losing hope or growing bored. Even when I get a BFP, they don’t sound as confident or excited that it will be my take home baby. I guess that’s what happens after so many losses.

Maybe they are just being more cautious and don’t want to get MY hopes up. It’s hard to know all the right things to say and do. I can’t fault people for that. But I really need others to believe it’s going to happen for us though – because I’m losing hope that it will.

I sometimes think I’m silly for even STILL trying. We have done it all. If nothing works, you have to decide what to do eventually. I can’t live like this forever. I’m starting to lean towards quitting TTC and saving for donor egg IVF. I’ll be getting my test results from Dr. Sher soon. If he finds nothing else wrong, then I don’t see much hope in using my eggs anymore.

I hope I don’t sound like a bitter, jealous person. I am envious of the success stories, but I am also very happy for everyone. I would never wish infertility on my worst enemy. I just don’t want to deal with this anymore.


31 thoughts on “Don’t wanna be all by myself

  1. I am in the exact same place!!! After more then 4 years, people just don't ask. I once was told by a concerned friend that they assume if I had news I would share it, I get it but it is still nice to get a little TLC from people. I have also dropped some of my online support systems, after all the BFP's and/ or a flood of newbies that I just could not relate to. I find the most support here in the blog world and now on twitter. I also have gone in search for new blogs lately that are TTC not pregnancy or new mom's. Here to support along the way, from your friend in the trenches with you…

  2. I could have written this exact post right now. This journey has been so long, and so horribly filled with pregnancy after pregnancy= no healthy take home baby that I don't have hope for me when I see 2 lines anymore, I simply brace for impact-and certainly don't take to facebook to tell the world I'm 3 weeks and 5 days pregnant. I too am sick of being left in the dust and lapped by my friends (both virtual and in real life). Even online support women who started after me- currently have one baby at home and are either pregnant with another or twins-and most recently the best kicker-a woman IRL who wasn't even married when I started my journey now has 2 healthy take home babies. It pains me to feel this way-but it is what it is-I'm hot jealous, frustrated and most of all tired but can't stop.I'm walking right next to you, its just hard to see me through all the tears.Brooke

  3. I am so sorry you are feeling this way, and you are completely justified in it. I feel badly because I know I don't comment as much as I should, but I guess I feel like what can I say? I have gotten my two babies and I feel so blessed. It's kind of difficult to be someone who has had fertility problems and "graduated", too, because there is guilt involved in it. Don't get me wrong, I will take the guilt along with my babies, it's just that I sometimes don't know if I bring more pain/hurt/jealousy than support (I hope that makes sense–I've been on both sides, so I understand the emotions that go with it). FWIW, I read your blog all the time–I check it daily. You are SO supportive and so sweet and I have always enjoyed what you have to say. Even when you're feeling down, you have this positive energy to you–it's wonderful! I'm constantly checking your chart and waiting for the next BFP, the one that will be your take home baby.

  4. Love you Lisa! You know I'm in the same shoes as you, and these shoes suck major donkey balls. I could have written your post. And I honestly feel like I've said some of those exact things either to Buster or in our BG. It's so hard feeling left behind. But, it's natural for us to feel like we do. ANYONE would, given the circumstances.We aren't crazy, bitter, jealous.We are just women who yearn to be mothers. How could anyone ever fault us for that?<3

  5. I'm sure you will NOT be the last one standing.My marriage has failed, my husband wants me to leave, my dreams of having children are OVER.You still have a chance. Don't give up xo

  6. fwiw, i read every post you post. i don't comment that much b/c i figure you don't want to hear from me b/c even though i've had a hell of a ttc past four years, i've crossed to the preg side for the time being and i'm not ignorant enough to think that those still in the ttc trenches want to be cheered by those crawling out. but i'm here. i'm reading. and i'm totally cheering you along, but no, i'm not going to go full out gushy typing with every bfp b/c i've read your past and if i were you, i'd roll my eyes and slap on anyone who did a full out, top of the lungs cheer since reality bites a bit more than that. hope is good, denial not so much–i'm preg yes, but no totally amnesiac about IF struggles and feelings already. but i'm as cautiously hopeful as i am for all of us in the IF community who have lost our naivety. i'm sorry you're feeling very alone, and again my commenting here doesn't fix that one iota, but know that i'm totally cheering for you, in a by your blog side, ready with the chocolate either way, kinda way.

  7. So weird….I was just having this very conversation with a friend yesterday (and I'm in a really good place and have moved on to adoption!). I don't think these feelings will ever go away completely….thinking about you.

  8. I understand how you feel. I'm pretty new to TTC and on every forum I join it feels like women get their BFP after 2 cycles. WTF? I feel like one of these days I'm going to be the only one left on the forum, and still doing shitty on Clomid.

  9. I can absolutely relate and hell, I could've written this post myself.It hurts when it feels like you're the only one left that is still struggling.While you're happy for all of your friends, you still can't help but feel sorry for yourself and wonder if you'll ever have what they have.It's an awful and yes, lonely feeling.Just know that you're not alone out there even though it may feel like it every once in a while.

  10. IF is just the cruelest, uglgiest, vile freaking thing and don't ever feel like you sound bitter, ect…why shouldn't you feel that way? You WILL be an amazing mommy and how lucky your children) will be 🙂 Always rooting for you honey!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s