I feel ugly

I feel quite ugly at the moment — sad, bitter, jealous, etc. Why is it so easy for some people? Don’t they say that good things happen to good people? Or good things come to those who wait? What a load of bull. I know plenty of good people who get shit on constantly. And bad people who get everything (without any appreciation).

Maybe it’s because it’s Fathers Day – another year that I can’t make my hubby a daddy. Mother’s Day is probably the worst though. I don’t know, but I feel like crap. I just want to cry or scream or punch things.

After absorbing the information from Dr. Sher, I have concluded that there’s no way we can successfully conceive without serious medical intervention. Yes, we can get pregnant – but I will just keep miscarrying. There is no hope until we find out exactly what’s wrong and how to fix it. Even then, what if it’s NOT fixable?

Also, how much is this going to cost us? The autoimmune panel might not be covered by our insurance. I have to find out. Then, how much is the treatment going to be? I work so hard and all my money just flies out the window. Health insurance is a JOKE. It’s not fair.

I’m starting to wonder if it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe we will never have children. I’ve thought that before, but I’m almost ready to believe it now. I have so many things wrong with me and standing in my way. Why would God make me so broken?

I have been physically broken for awhile, but I’m starting to feel mentally broken, too. I don’t want to be angry or jealous or avoid people/situations. I hope I can get out of this funk. I’m sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.


20 thoughts on “I feel ugly

  1. Amen Sister friend! I know what you mean! It's hard not to feel blue. You said exactly how I feel! Sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.

  2. I'm sorry you're feeling this way…..I'm SO with you! Sometimes the anger is overwhelming. Hugs to you! It's got to get better….right?

  3. This post sounds like where I was after meeting with Sher. It's just so incredibly overwhelming. If you're comfortable and want to talk, you can email me at pennstatekelly at gmail.comI'm not sure if we had the same bloodwork done, but I just now submitted it to my insurance (it was $1000) from last summer. My insurance has covered everything related to RPL so far but the lab (from Illinois, I believe) doesn't accept insurance. It took so long because I knew how bitter I'd be if my insurance company denied the claim. You're right though about so many things in your post…the universe is just a majorly f"ed up place.

  4. It's so hard to know what you're supposed to do when your heart desires something so much that seems to be out of reach. IF is so unfair. I'm sorry you're hurting. I'm sending you lots of hugs.

  5. I am so sorry you find yourself in this dark place. I know I have been there before. My best advice is to take things one day at a time, you have a lot to think about and big decisions to make, these things cannot be rushed. Wishing things were easier for you….

  6. Lisa, I am soo sorry that you don't have your take home baby yet, but DO NOT give up on your dream of being a mother. You and hubby will be such great parents and it would be a shame for a child to miss out on that.It WILL happen, you are too strong, too dtermined for it not to happen.I am thinking of you, hugs.

  7. I am so sorry you are feeling so low. I wish I could tell you it all would be ok, but that gets old so I will leave you with this: “Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all.” – Dale Carnegie

  8. aw Lisa, I know the feeling all to well. Not that I wish IF on anyone, but too bad it doesnt happen to those mothers who could care less about their kids..there are so many abused and neglected children out there. I know you will be a parent though, just not 100 % sure on when and how. Before I had my baby, I knew ultimately I would be a mother, just wasn't sure if it would be biological or not. HUGS :)- desperategrl

  9. I'm in the same frame of mind lately, IF has broken me, emotionally. I'm sorry your feeling this was and know that this too shall pass. Keep your faith, it has gotten you this far, but also know your allowed to let it waiver from time to time….you have so amazingly strong and optimistic this journey (at least since I have been following you) and we are allowed to grieve from time to time. I don't understand how this happens, how good people get dealt shitty hands. I would like to believe that God is in control and knows what he's doing, but if so, how can this be a good thing?!?! And if not, how depressing would that be, if life is just completely random!? Either way I feel frustrated and angry, so I know your pain. Praying you hit the finish line soon, it's of darkest before dawn. Xoxoxoxox

  10. just keep faith and hopefully one day you will be looking at a child thinking, this is why I had to go through all of that…this is the child that is supposed to be mine.

  11. I've written that exact post in my head before. It's a horrible feeling. Hopelessness. But, please remember, that it will get better. One way or another. You will be a mommy.

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