Looking back…and looking forward

Hi ICLW folks! A little background on me and where we headed next.

I’ve been off birth control for 3.5 years. We were preparing for our wedding in 2007-2008, so I thought it would be a good idea to stop the Depo shot ahead of time in 2007. I knew it could take around a year for my body to get back to normal. At that time, we weren’t really ready for kids yet. We kind of had the idea that if it happened, it happened. But it never happened!

2008…We got married. ❤ I always secretly wished I would get pregnant. I took pregnancy tests every so often, and nada. I could tell Andy was disappointed when I had a negative test, too. I almost wondered if something could be wrong. Then again, we weren't really trying. I also figured my body was just taking it's sweet time becoming regular again.

In April of 2009, we were ready to try “for real”. I studied up on TTC, bought ovulation tests, calculated my fertile days, etc. We were so over the moon when it only took us a couple months of trying, to get pregnant! I even called and told everyone. The thought never entered my mind that anything could be wrong or that I could have a miscarriage or chemical pregnancy. I didn’t even know what a chemical pregnancy was.

2009 pretty much sucked. We had 2 early losses right away, and then NOTHING for months. We tried everything. Charting BBT, OPKs, Pre-Seed, supplements, vitamins, different sexual positions, etc. I just had a feeling that something wasn’t right.

I went to see my OBGYN first. She was no help at all. She ran a couple tests and did a vaginal ultrasound. She found nothing wrong and told us to keep trying. We did keep trying for a couple more months, but my gut told me that we needed more testing or SOMETHING. I called my OBGYN back, and she didn’t even bother to do anything more to help. She referred me to my RE.

So at the end of 2009, I met Dr.F. He immediately ran some bloodwork and found out exactly what was wrong. I couldn’t believe my OBGYN missed my high FSH level. We went on to do some more testing, an HSG (this is where they run dye through your fallopian tubes to check for blockages), did a semen analysis on DH, etc. Everything was normal, except my bloodwork. High FSH and low AMH…Diminished Ovarian Reserve was my diagnosis.

I can’t tell you how devastated I was. It felt like I had been robbed of my childbearing years. We thought we had plenty of time to have the three kids we talked about, but no. I felt broken, useless, and discouraged. I longed to feel naive and hopeful again. Everyone told me that it was good to have answers, but it felt horrible. There’s nothing they can do to cure or fix my diagnosis.

Dr.F said it was time to get aggressive. We did 5 IUIs and 2 medicated timed intercourse cycles. Plus one failed IVF attempt, that ended up being IUI #5. We had 2 more losses in 2010, both from IUIs. No more natural BFPs, even though we also tried several times naturally. Am I getting worse? Already? Why can’t I get pregnant?!?! (Well, and stay pregnant!?)

2010 has been worse than 2009! Dr.F made a big mistake by telling me he thought IVF would never work for us. He was the one who over-suppressed me. I knew my ovaries could do better, even though they are fairly pitiful, with an antral follicle count of 7. That’s when I met Dr.S!

Fast forward to now…Right now we are trying naturally…but we are starting up with a whole new clinic and new doctor in 2011! Dr.S believes we have a chance, with my eggs, doing IVF! We are doing the Antagonist protocol, with NO suppression of any sort. I’ll be taking Clomid, Follistim, Ganirelix, and Menopur for IVF #2.

I’m scared to death that we’ll find out my eggs are all bad. I’m trying not to think that way. I was excited for IVF #1, but I’m terrified now. To think of putting your body and emotions through such a crazy rollercoaster for NOTHING is a scary thought. I’m willing to do it though, for my future baby(ies). People tell me all the time that it’ll be worth it, but that’s only if it works.

I’m really hoping 2011 will be our year! Not just DH & I, but all of yours!!

I don’t even want to think about what we’ll do if it doesn’t work! Donor eggs and adoption are expensive. It will take us years to save up for either of those choices. We are looking into foster-parenting though. We will probably do it, even if IVF does work. There are so many children looking for loving homes.

Well, that’s my novel for today! It’s ICLW week, so I’m looking for other people in the same boat as me. While it pains me to see others going through IF, it makes me hopeful and less lonely to meet others that are struggling. Hopefully we can lean on each other!

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7 thoughts on “Looking back…and looking forward

  1. I'm so sorry for all your losses, how heartbreaking for you. I hope 2011 WILL be your year and you will finally achieve you dream of a super sticky pregnancy and healthy baby. Wishing you all the very best!ICLW#9

  2. Happy ICLW. I know this isnt your most recent post but I read this one too so I could learn more about you. I think its the fear that will never work that's the hardest part. If someone came to us and said, this is the year – date that it would work. it will be harder for you, but it will work, then it would be so much easier for us. Frustrating but easier. So this is what I came to say to you. Don't despair. It will work!

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