Happy ICLW! Looking forward to meeting some new people in blogland!
I have a couple things on my mind. There has been a recent controversy on my favorite TTC forum. Out of respect to the person involved (as well as not to stir up anymore drama), I won’t go into much detail here. Basically there is some debate about whether the girl is pregnant or whether it was leftover hcg from the trigger shot. Whatever the outcome, I definitely empathize with the girl. I hope she has a positive outcome.
There is not an exact science to trigger shots. People say that on average, 1,000 units of hcg will leave your body per day. Although, everyone is different. Trigger shots can be really tricky. I’ve seen some women have crazy experiences with them.
I can’t speak for anyone but myself. I’ve had an hcg trigger 6 times. Out of those 6 times, I had 2 chemical pregnancies. I believe them to be chemical pregnancies because 1)My HPT lines faded out to nearly negative, then progressively got darker, and finally faded back out to negative again over a period of days, 2)I had betas done, and 3)My doctor told me it was a chemical pregnancy. Can I really be 100% sure that they were chemical pregnancies? Possibly not, but I believe they were and my doctor believes they were. Trust me, I would rather take a BFN over an early loss any day. It would really hurt me if someone said I did not actually have a loss. I don’t think you should have to prove to anyone else that you were indeed pregnant. 😦
I have mentioned before that I’ve had 4 early losses total. 2 were conceived naturally and 2 were conceived with fertility treatments. After the grieving process, my first 2 pregnancies made me feel hopeful that I could get pregnant. I think it’s a totally natural feeling for some people to say, “hey, I can get pregnant! This is promising!” However, I soon found out my diagnosis of Diminished Ovarian Reserve, High FSH, poor ovarian function, and poor egg quality. With my last 2 pregnancies, I was very guarded. I no longer felt hopeful. I felt more like I would never carry a pregnancy to term with my bad eggs. I’m not giving up though!
I was pondering my losses recently, and sometimes I feel guilty for being so upset. I have seen women lose babies after hearing the heartbeat, after seeing the baby via ultrasound. Women who have had a 2nd trimester loss, a stillbirth, lost a child to SIDS or some other medical problem after he/she was born. I cannot even fathom what that would be like. To lose a baby after you have bonded with him/her. My heart breaks for those women.
If you have a chemical pregnancy though, you need to allow yourself to experience the grieving process. Having an early loss represents a lot more than just getting a BFP and having some random cells begin to divide but not stick. To me, it represents the idea/wish/dream of my future child. The child that my husband and I already love so much. To be on top of the world, and then subsequently crushed within a few days or a week, is simply devastating. You think you’ve finally conceived, and this is it! Then your dreams are squashed, yet again. It’s like a cruel joke.
I can’t really compare early losses to later losses, but I hope we can all stand together and find strength in each other. We’re all on the same team!