Triggers and losses

Happy ICLW! Looking forward to meeting some new people in blogland!

I have a couple things on my mind. There has been a recent controversy on my favorite TTC forum. Out of respect to the person involved (as well as not to stir up anymore drama), I won’t go into much detail here. Basically there is some debate about whether the girl is pregnant or whether it was leftover hcg from the trigger shot. Whatever the outcome, I definitely empathize with the girl. I hope she has a positive outcome.

There is not an exact science to trigger shots. People say that on average, 1,000 units of hcg will leave your body per day. Although, everyone is different. Trigger shots can be really tricky. I’ve seen some women have crazy experiences with them.

I can’t speak for anyone but myself. I’ve had an hcg trigger 6 times. Out of those 6 times, I had 2 chemical pregnancies. I believe them to be chemical pregnancies because 1)My HPT lines faded out to nearly negative, then progressively got darker, and finally faded back out to negative again over a period of days, 2)I had betas done, and 3)My doctor told me it was a chemical pregnancy. Can I really be 100% sure that they were chemical pregnancies? Possibly not, but I believe they were and my doctor believes they were. Trust me, I would rather take a BFN over an early loss any day. It would really hurt me if someone said I did not actually have a loss. I don’t think you should have to prove to anyone else that you were indeed pregnant. 😦

I have mentioned before that I’ve had 4 early losses total. 2 were conceived naturally and 2 were conceived with fertility treatments. After the grieving process, my first 2 pregnancies made me feel hopeful that I could get pregnant. I think it’s a totally natural feeling for some people to say, “hey, I can get pregnant! This is promising!” However, I soon found out my diagnosis of Diminished Ovarian Reserve, High FSH, poor ovarian function, and poor egg quality. With my last 2 pregnancies, I was very guarded. I no longer felt hopeful. I felt more like I would never carry a pregnancy to term with my bad eggs. I’m not giving up though!

I was pondering my losses recently, and sometimes I feel guilty for being so upset. I have seen women lose babies after hearing the heartbeat, after seeing the baby via ultrasound. Women who have had a 2nd trimester loss, a stillbirth, lost a child to SIDS or some other medical problem after he/she was born. I cannot even fathom what that would be like. To lose a baby after you have bonded with him/her. My heart breaks for those women.

If you have a chemical pregnancy though, you need to allow yourself to experience the grieving process. Having an early loss represents a lot more than just getting a BFP and having some random cells begin to divide but not stick. To me, it represents the idea/wish/dream of my future child. The child that my husband and I already love so much. To be on top of the world, and then subsequently crushed within a few days or a week, is simply devastating. You think you’ve finally conceived, and this is it! Then your dreams are squashed, yet again. It’s like a cruel joke.

I can’t really compare early losses to later losses, but I hope we can all stand together and find strength in each other. We’re all on the same team!

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14 thoughts on “Triggers and losses

  1. Lisa, I completely agree. A loss is a loss no matter how short of a time you were pregnant. I've had both. (Chemical)Tests got lighter and lighter and then BFN. Then I experienced the rising beta's, seeing the sac & heartbeat. Then miscarriage shy of 7 weeks last December 26th, 2009. With the holidays approaching I'm finding myself in a very depressed state. Not looking forword to Christmas at all. I just want to crawl in bed, close the blinds and wake up on January 1, 2011.

  2. I agree completely, even though I have not experienced either. I think all losses are difficult and each person reacts differently to each loss. Just as with other things in life, there is no "wrong" reaction.The most important thing is that you are there to support the person. This kind of stuff is what scares me to join a forum, other than this, would you say a forum is a positive experience or just too much drama to be worth it?

  3. Oh Lorrie, I can kind of relate to not wanting to wake up til the new year. My thoughts and prayers are with you sweetie.kkasun – I think the positives of joining a forum do outweigh the negatives. I have met some life long friends from joining Twoweekwait.com. Sometimes you gotta tune out some people 😉

  4. Here from ICLW, thanks for stopping by my blog!Absolutely, somebody who has had a chemical pregnancy needs to be able to grieve, and their loss should be acknowledged the same as any later loss is. You also are right in saying the magnitude of pain should not be compared, though I will say, the earlier the loss is, recovery time (just even physical, if not necessarily mental) is faster. I had a loss at 3 months(after seeing the heartbeat twice), the one thing I was grateful for was that nature had not strung me along even longer before taking away my baby.I'm so sorry you are having such a tough journey, you have my best wishes and prayers as you go along this difficult road.

  5. I can relate, too. It would be so nice to wake up in 2011!Stopping by from ICLW. I wish you the best in this journey that's already been entirely too crappy and unfair to you.

  6. Stopping in ICLW.Oh how I can relate to this. I have lost three children. Twins and our third baby, all from IVF. They were second trimester losses. The pain from those losses was indescribable. We just went through a second IVF cycle and it resulted in a chemical pregnancy. Someone told me I wasn't even pregnant and I FLIPPED OUT. I saw the two lines. I got a positive BETA. I was pregnant.*hugs* to youICLW #87

  7. Hi Lisa! Thanks for stopping by my blog! I think it's sad that anyone would try to keep someone from having the chance to mourn for the loss of a child. Even if she wasn't pregnant and just thought she way, does that change anything? Have a wonderful Thanksgiving!

  8. Before I experienced an early loss, I did not understand the crushing emotions of a miscarriage. I totally agree, we can all relate and support each other, no matter what!ICLW

  9. Totally agree with what Angie and yourself said.I never knew what it was like for the women who m/c. I mean it's just not something you can imagine, just like childbirth.And then to experience it myself, even if I was early was devastating.It's a shitty thing we have to go through sometimes unfortunatly.As bad as it sounds, it's good to have others that can relate to what you're going through.

  10. I've struggled over the last few days with wanting to call what has happened a miscarriage. I know that's not what it is. I know I was never pregnant. But in the same sentence, 2 beautiful embryos were put in (3 if you count July). Embryos that for all other purposes SHOULD have stuck. The fact that they didn't; it FEELS like a loss. Like a death. I don't even know what else to call it, even though I know miscarriage isn't right.I agree with you – I can't imagine anything more devastating than a loss after bonding with that child, but… this sucks too.

  11. That's true girls.SIF – I completely agree that a failed IVF cycle is like a miscarriage. I was just telling someone that the other day. It's a horrible thing to go through, and I'm so sorry you have to endure it. You are a tough lady though. *hugs*

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