The holidays are coming and that means family time. I love my family and wouldn’t trade them for anything or anyone. However, family time stirs up a lot of difficult past memories for me. I have forgiven my parents, but can’t seem to forget what I had to go through at such a young age. An age when I should have been innocent and enjoyed my childhood. Instead, I had to grow up too fast and worry about things that no young child should have to worry about.
My memories are vivid. I remember feeling lost and neglected. Being at my school band performance, looking out into the audience, and seeing no one there to listen to me play. Always getting taken to basketball practice or games LATE, if at all. Missing out on after school activities, losing opportunities to do something I wanted to do, never getting rewarded for my straight A’s, and just being ignored no matter what I did or didn’t do. Waiting outside the school for over an hour when I was forgotten. I tried to be the best kid, but it didn’t matter. It still stings.
I didn’t even care how poor we were or that we didn’t get Christmas presents sometimes. I just wanted love and attention. They were too busy fighting or whatever for that.
The abuse, fighting, drugs, alcohol. It’s all fresh in my memory as if it happened yesterday. I witnessed some very frightening things, that I can’t bring myself to type here. I was afraid of my Dad and my Mom’s new partner (after Mom & Dad split) for a long time. I finally made peace with my Dad. My Mom eventually left her other abusive partner, but not before I got into a physical altercation with them. Thank goodness my Mom is with a wonderful new man now. I never thought she would leave the abusive situations. I used to resent her for making me live like that, but I guess you have to let those things go in time.
I had to learn to cook, clean, do laundry and take care of myself at a young age. My parents were too busy with their problems to take care of themselves, let alone take care of me. My siblings were all older, so luckily they got out. I feel bad for them though, because things were worse when they were younger. I can’t even imagine what they had to go through because it was bad enough for me. It was awful when they left home. I was all alone.
I spent a couple years rebelling against my circumstances. I wasn’t the best person at that time. I hated myself and everyone else. I wish I could take back those bad years and re-do them. At least I came to my senses…it took me a lot less time to get my life straight than it took for my parents.
Like I said, I have forgiven my parents. I love them with all my heart. I know people make mistakes. They wouldn’t have acted they way they did if drugs and alcohol weren’t involved. I’m so emotional writing this because I wish things had been different.
I just can’t comprehend how people can have children and neglect them or abuse them for their own selfish reasons. Okay, I guess sometimes I do still feel a little bitter about my life, growing up. It’s hard to forget. I already know that I will NEVER ever neglect my (future) children. They will only feel loved.
I think between my life circumstances and the fact that I have infertility, I will only appreciate my kids even more. I guess that’s where my nurturing nature and the need to help people, comes from. Hopefully I get the chance to have kids and nurture them. Whether they are biological or foster/adopted kids, I have a lot of love to give. It amazes me though that I can’t have kids, but my parents did when they probably shouldn’t have. What a crazy world we live in.
Ahh it feels kind of good to spill my guts like that. Thanks for listening.