Maybe I’m not okay

Typically, I spend a few days feeling down after a failed cycle or chemical pregnancy. I am usually very resilient. I actually *thought* I was doing fine, but everyone around me noticed that I’m not doing fine. They noticed before I did.

I think I’m slightly depressed. It kind of worries me that I didn’t notice right away. I’m always in control, and it scares me to think that I’m losing it. My coworkers mentioned that I’ve been awfully quiet recently. I thought I was acting “normal”. I like to put on my brave, smiley face for work. I do work with kids, after all. It’s not good to bring your problems to work, but I didn’t think I was.

One of my friends and a family member mentioned that I’m acting like a hermit. 😦 I really don’t mean to shut people out. It’s easy for me to open up online to my TTC sisters, but it’s harder to cope in the real world amongst fertiles and the crazy stresses of daily living. I think I need some new coping skills. While it is therapeutic for me to meet other infertiles online – I can’t just live on my computer.

I know I need to focus more on my hobbies. I haven’t written any poetry lately. I haven’t read a new book in God knows how long. I haven’t even been out with my hubby or friends for awhile. Maybe I am a hermit…oh that thought is even more depressing. Am I really letting all this stuff take away from who I am? I don’t want to lose myself.

I have the next 2 months to focus on me and take back my life. Infertility – you no longer have a right to control my life! I will be happy again and do things I enjoy!

Any suggestions for me? What do you do to cope or get through hard times?


13 thoughts on “Maybe I’m not okay

  1. I also get very quiet when I am feeling down. I think that you just need to get out and do something fun. Start writing again and read a few books. Have a girls night out with your girlfriends,thats always fun. Im sorry youre feeling down.

  2. I think that even if you are acting like a hermit no one should be judging you for it and you certainly should not be judging yourself. It is normal to feel upset at this point. I really believe that you should listen to what your body tells you and if it is telling you to keep a low profile and relax maybe that is what you need right now. I hope you feel happier soon.

  3. Honestly, you should not be beating yourself up for being in mourning. There are people around you who love and care about you, but they simply can't and don't know what your are going through and you shouldn't take their judgments so much to heart. Take whatever time you need to get through this, and make sure to give yourself lots of TLC.

  4. I know it's kinda dorky and not very social, but I enjoy doing puzzles, reading, or going for a walk with my IPod. All of those activities are simple and not stressful, but they make ou concentrate on something besides IF. I have come to really enjoy those things!

  5. Thanks girls! You made me feel a little better! I guess it's okay to not be all happy/smiles/social all the time. Thanks for the suggestions – those are good ideas!

  6. I'm so sorry Lisa. I fully understand and I think you have every right to mourn also. Maybe if you tried to have a full month or two and try to do something different each month, like learn to knit or crochet, or whatever is outside your comfort zone. I learned to knit and it has helped a lot, mind you I make baby blankets so I'm still in baby mode! I wish you luck in feeling better. HUGS, love ya girl!!

  7. I like to scrapbook… gives you a chance to remember happy times! I'm sorry you are feeling down… if it gets worse, there is no shame in talking to a health psychologist. I did undergraduate research with one who saw patients that experienced miscarriages, suffered from PPD, had ovarian cancer, etc. If you could find one, s/he might be able to give you professional suggestions for coping. Just a thought, I'm not sure how you would feel about something like that. I hope you find something to help you get through this difficult journey! (((hugs)))

  8. I hit this point a few months ago, and getting into therapy was the best thing I possibly could have done for myself! You will get through this lady! I totally believe that!

  9. All great suggestions. I think all of us going through infertility deserve to mourn the losses and failures this brings.During our break this month (maybe until next year), I'm gonna try to focus on my art a bit more. Maybe read some more as well to keep my mind occupied.

  10. I think sometimes you just have to allow yourself to feel what your feeling. We are going through agrieving process and that cannot be rushed….or it can but then we end up right back where we started. If you need to be sad or mad – do so for a while….and then slowly start doing nice things for yourself…maybe start with little things that require little effort, like a nice bubble bath, massage or pedicure. Then eventually you feel like getting back out there….we can only sulk for so long before that gets old- we are warriors!!!I am sorry your not feeling yourself and I certainly hope your feeling better soon…but my best advice…be gentle and go easy on yourself. xoxoxoxox

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